


i create - you destroy

by gagates



Category: Grace and Frankie (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Female Character, Eating Disorders, F/F, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lesbian Character, Mutual Pining, Post-Season/Series 04, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-08-28 08:46:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 22,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16720125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gagates/pseuds/gagates
Summary: I plan to post the complete fic before season 5 starts





	1. Frankies gift

**Author's Note:**

> I plan to post the complete fic before season 5 starts

Frankie sat on the couch, half asleep, until Carolyn next to her stopped playing on the guitar. "So. What's wrong with you? Usually you are the embodiment of the perfect entertaining yet laid back guest. You're lacking the usual ray of sunshine." "I'm lacking a house and-" The word Grace left unspoken. "Oh, sorry, that I didn't catch up with you, what happened? The last thing I know is that you broke up with Jacob." "It's ok. Let's just say, everything went to dust. We got scammed, we lost lots of money, ended up at a old folks home and fled to the beach. And before we got the chance to sort out how we get our house back, a sleazy guy bought it." Carolyn took Frankies hand, shocked how flat her voice sounded. And within a matter of seconds, she decided to help them out. "Ok, maybe this is the final hint, that I should finally move into Sarahs home, so you can move into mine. Thinking about it for another half year certainly doesn't help. At if it fails, well... moving back won't be the first time." "Sarah won't let you go this time. You better stay there. She is your "the one". You should see yourself right now, you are the one who's beaming." Frankie gave her an assuring clap on her shoulder. "Frankie, did you hear what I said? You can move into my flat. It may be a little bit too small and a little bit outside your usual circle..." It took a minute, but then Frankie hugged Carolyn with such force, the guitar landed on the floor. "Come on, let's show them what it means to party until the sun comes out." Both jumped up and ran to the DJ to ask for something more upbeat. 

With a huge grin and red eyes Frankie paid the cab driver three hours later. If she was really lucky, Grace was already half awake and she could tell her the good news. They were in desperate need of good news. The last weeks hit Grace to the core. It was one of the few things Grace always could count on - her business sense, to keep a clear view about their finances, to have a home who could be featured in the next Wonderful Living magazine. Maybe a little bit messier since she lived there with Grace, but it was presentable nonetheless. Frankie pressed the button for the second floor of the hotel. It was almost six o'clock. 

"Grace?" Frankie caressed Graces cheek softly. The longer, wavy hair gave Grace a softer look and Frankie could have watched her for the rest of her life. Thankfully she had already taken a picture and made it her phone background. She nudged her slightly on the pelvis. "Frankie?" "Yours truly." "It's four... other people dream of the teacher next door at this hour." "The teacher you say. Hm, well who would not dream of the hungarian look alike of Gillian Anderson." Grace tossed the cushion at Frankie, the eyes still closed. "And by the way it's six already. And I found us a home for now." Hugging Frankie, Grace murmured: "You don't know how much I have to thank you for. I don't make it easy to be friends with- the fact that you're still here..."


	2. La Veillée

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAPprG-oWd8 / Yann Tiersen - La Veillée
> 
> this is the kick-off for some darker chapters. but I promise there are happy episodes following and the happy end is a happy end.

Humming a french song, Frankie cut the eggplant in thin slices. Maybe the smell of the stew could Grace lure at least into the kitchen. And if only to throw a fit because she didn't put the ingredients into the stew the way the recipe said. Or because it looked like a kitchen supply store exploded in their 10 square meter kitchen. Anything, even another bottle of Vodka. She didn't hear Grace coming into the room, humming along. Grace stopped Frankie with a gentle touch and put the knife away. And invited her without saying anything to dance. For the next five minutes heaven was on earth. 

Grace hadn't felt this light for weeks. Frankie had her eyes shut, with a content smile on her face. It was so tempting to caress her cheek. To feel the warmth. When they stopped dancing, Grace didn't let go of Frankie. "Would you hold me, please?" Frankie looked now very concerned. "Are you ok?" Knowing, how much Grace didn't want be seen as craving touches or being cared for, it must have been something serious. It just deepend Frankies sense, that Graces mental health was declining. "I just- I'm just so fucking cold." Frankie held her with her whole heart and yet it was not enough. The center of her universe was Frankie and Grace couldn't stop herself from drifting away. 

"Oh Grace, I would do anything for you, just so you feel better. It aches to see you like that." Grace chopped the onions, maybe just to cover, that she was already on the verge of crying again. "Since you already vetoed me belly-dancing for you." The laughter was a bit muffeld, but a laughter nontheless. Frankie let out a relieved sigh. "Hey, we could mix the chai vanilla latte with some Bailey's... You could take an environment unfriendly long bath with that Rose essence and I could read you the latest feminist poetry." "Well, first of all you could help me clean up the kitchen afterwards. Do you even know what you're cooking?" "Yes." Grace a shot a sceptical glance at her. "In theory. It should be an uzbek stew. At least that's what they said on the What to cook site." Smirking, Grace looked at the recipe. "Wow, for once you use all the ingredients they indicated and not the ones who would emotionally match. But you know with these stews, they're usually eaten the next day not right after they were cooked." "What? Wait, I'm hungry now not tomorrow. I want to eat it while watching the Babies - how the nomads raise them documentary." "Kidding..." Frankie gave her a smack with the wooden spoon. "Oh you found your spoon with the smiley face again. That's nice. I know, how much you missed Andreas."

Frankie put the clean plates back, when Grace said to her, she was going into the bath room for a longer time. The uneasy feeling in her stomach was instantly there. Of course Grace would try to get the fat out of her system. One plate was too much. Thinking of the sound of the retching alone could Frankie drive to tears. The flat was not built to cover sounds. She didn't need to turn around, her voice gave her away. "Take care of you." Which made Grace wince. She went to the bath room, but didn't open the door. "I'll take a shower. Wanna sit on the toilet lid and tell me your new Toy Story theory?"

"You can come in." Standing in the bathtub, head against the wall, feeling the water, too hot to be good for the skin, running down her body, she hoped, that it helped to keep her food down. At the same time she was close to provoke the vomiting. Frankies voice, the steam clashed terribly with her inner thoughts and feelings. "Grace Hanson, the bravest woman I know. Listening to my 12 and half Buzz Lightyear theories. Even Coyote could not endure this..." "I'm not brave!", she cried out, sitting finally down. Tears streamed through her fingers, covering her face. "I'm not brave, I am not. I am not." Sitting there with wrinkled and scarred naked body, not being able to get rid of the food, sobbing, she was disgusted by herself. 

This was too much. For both of them. If she would turn off the water, get her out of the tub into the bed, it would drive her to drink even more later. And Grace wouldn't be able to face her for day without vodka, sunglasses and cutting remarks. It wouldn't go well with her body issues too. A fucking no win situation. Frankie rubbed her face, suddenly very exhausted. "Ok, you tried, we tried. And it didn't work out for now. Do what you need to do. I'll prepare the mattress so you can sleep in my bed. Take all the time you need, but please sleep in my room tonight, ok?" The water getting turned off was enough answer for Frankie. "Okay."

When Grace later went into the room, Frankie pretended to be already asleep. Grace didn't turn on the lights, but she managed to get to the bed, without bumping into something. Crawling onto the bed, she heard Frankie turning around. She let her hand down, so Frankie could grab her. They fell asleep with intertwinend hands.


	3. Tell me something from your tippy top days

"We're living here for a month now and you already want to go on a trip?" They sat in the kitchen, sharing a late sunday morning joint. "Wait, listen to me. I know, we seem to be moving a little bit too much lately. But five days on a remote small ranch, visting Carolyn and Sarah, it's not the worst idea I had. And they would be overjoyed if we come, they send us such a nice invitation. Don't they look like the perfect lesbian farmer couple?" Another drag by Grace. "I like the idea to be able again to smoke the joint underneath the stars. And you could see even more of them, because no light pollution." "Why do I get the idea, that you already set the date for the visit?" "Aren't you the one who always says I don't do enough paperwork and planning ahead?" "Well yeah... But I did not say yes yet. And they're your friends, not mine." "Grace... They invited US. Not me. And you need some fresh air for sure." "I'll go if you promise me not to visit any men this time." "Kevin, they're lesbians..." Frankie began to chuckle. "The only male you could meet is in the stable." 

After resting for two hours, for Frankie three, Carolyn and Sarah showed them the ranch. Although the horses were a very rare and endangered breed, Frankie couldn't stop watching Grace. The way she moved here, in her leather alpine boots, jeans and plaid flannel, no make up on, it was like she could see into Graces past, see the eight year old Grace. Maybe it was this Grace she felt so connected to, which let her stay on the side although their friendship seemed so strange from the outside. How Grace acted around the horses, her movements a bit rusty because of age and out of training, still showed how much Grace must have been riding in her childhood. "I would love to ride a round or two. But sadly I'm not the Queen." "When did you stop riding?" "When they started mocking me for the smell." "But rich kids always ride horses." "Yeah, but they don't come near the pitchfork like I used to..." 

Leaning against the handrail of the front porch, Grace watched the stars. "You look dreamy...", said Frankie from behind. "Oh!" Grace turned around. "How long were you watching me?" "Long enough to want to know more from the tippy top days." Frankie tilted her head shortly into the direction of the bench. Covered with a hand-knit blanket, Graces head on Frankies shoulder, Frankie could smell something more intense than usual. There was a faint memory of the smell from sharing a bed, but it was usually mixed with a fragrance. "You smell earthy today." Grace slapped Frankies knee. "I smell like shit today. You seem to forget very compulsively that this smell isn't a turn on for most people." "But this is you." "Well, I like me more with an overprized parfume. It was good to help feeding the horses. My knees will disagree louldy, but my brain got a bit silenced. My brother used to cut the wood for the stove for the same reason, it silences it your inner thoughts and you're tired afterwards because your body worked hard not your brain." "Go on with the stories." "I always thought the stars were diamonds a queen lost on her way to a new castle. Then one day an old neighbour told me they had names. And six year olds name everything, so I wanted to learn as many star constellations as I could. Over the years I learned to navigate by the stars. There was one boy, I think his name was Thomas, who once said, if he ever discovers an unknown star, he would name it after me." "We could google that, you know." "No, i don't think, he loved me enough to wait for this opportunity. Although he was one of the few boys and girls who were not threatened by my knowledge, he married a girl name Julie the moment he finished high school." 

Two days later Grace accompanied Sarah, who wanted to train a horse for a trek. Carolyn took the chance to talk to Frankie. "Three hours, beer for me, joint for you, should be enough to bring me up to date." "Where to begin, everything is so interwoven and tangled in a messy way and missmatched." "You and Grace don't look like missmatched." "Yes, but we and the guys. Gays. Guys." "Just start, we could bring sense into it later." "Well. First of all we started Vybrant. It got off like firecrackers, but Walden Villas, where the kids parent trapped us, refused to let us do the work for it. Grace is slowly getting back on track, it is more hers than mine, and it gave her so much energy. It really drained her not being able to work for Vybrant the way she wanted- needed to. Add this fucking fucked up guy Nick she dated. Dates. Dated. And who bought the house, which is more like tangle her up in a spider web so she can't say NO to him, for whom she can't stop bending herself into this Barbie version of herself. Her body cracking finally like the house and too muck Vodka. In conclusion, if I don't do something, I can't stop her from rotting away underneath this pile of crap. I have to find a way to get the house back. I owe her this. After she didn't say no to me, when I crawled back from Jacob. Although I had to go, I had to take this road, otherwise I would have never known, how much I want to share the trip with Grace." 

"Whoa ok, I'm still missing some pieces, but I get the picture. You know, for someone who isn't married to her, you act like it. Are you sure, you're "just" friends?" Some strands of her hair got tangled up in the charms, when Frankie answered the question. "Yes!" Carolyn began to smile and thought to herself, that Grace and Frankie were long past the "just" friends level. "We had to pass some shitty roads over the last years. Either you befriend each other or you die alone out there." "You wouldn't have died alone, if you would have stayed with Jacob." "Yeah, but I would have died without Grace." "Do you plan to live with her until the final days are coming?" "Well, she already knows what to do in case of me being dead." "Did you talk about that, staying together?" "No. Not really, so much happened, I think the only thing, we always knew over the last months, we know, that we do not want to live separate lives." "This means, that you live with an addict again. I'm not sure if you have the strength to go through that again." "Yeah, I know. But I didn't know neither with Coyote nor with the divorce. And you have to give Grace some credit too. It is not easy to live out and speak about emotions, if you numbed them to the point of non-existing for years. Emotions are bat-shit-scary, especially if you have to learn new coping mechanisms." "I just don't want you to drown with her, trying to rescue her." 

"Hey girl. Do you think you could handle a talk about our future tomorrow? No worries though. Luv ya, nighty night." Frankie tipped the message in the dark of her room. With a slightly faster beating heart, she hoped, Grace would answer rather fast. "Do I have to brace myself in a certain way? Because I really would not want to. Don't forget to greet the sheep when counting ;) your favorite designated Kevin" "Totally straight edge minus the sound. Btw no bra + half buttoned flannel shirt hell yeah!" "You simply cannot not flirt with me... it was a mishap though, I ripped it off when I tried to reach the rope." "I have to appreciate beauty when I see it. And you didn't do anything to not let me see it..." Suddenly Grace felt like she got caught red-handed. She turned off the phone quickly and put it underneath her pillow. Frankie typed "Feeling caught?", but not sending it. It felt too intimate. It was the first night here, where she had trouble to fall asleep. From time to time she stood up and went from the bed to the window. Her mind was working on something, but she couldn't identify it.


	4. The note

With the food and ice tea in the cool box Grace and Frankie could spend all day at the small cabin on the other side of the estate. They did not talk much, when they were walking down the road. More than once Frankie stopped and thought about making an U-turn, somewhere along the trail her courage flew away. The note in her pocket already got smudged from clutching. It may have been the right idea before breakfast, but not now. For a short moment Grace wanted to take Frankies hand, even raised her hand inadvertently. But this moment was gone in a blink and probably just to steady herself. 

Pacing around, fiddling with her charms, Frankie didn't know how to start. Grace watched her, sitting on the bench behind the table, smiling. "Boy, you're nervous. This is not a speech at the university." "Yeah- no, I know. First of all you know, that I thank the greater powers for you being in my life. Obviously they thought I need someone with piercing blue eyes and brains for two and a whole lot of other things. Which brings me to the things we need to talk about." "You're not leaving again, are you?" Panic was written over Graces face. "No." Frankie made a defensive gesture. "But with our living situation, this may be a part of the topic. Listen, we do not need to sort everything out today, but I need to know the general direction. Believe me, I tried to solve some of the things by sticking finger into my ears and lala-ing them away. But they're do re mi fa so not fucking done. And I didn't want to bring negative energy into our new home. If we get into a row, at least Carolyn and Sarah can mediate." "You're really prepared." "It's my way of paying the debt after the Jacob and bathtub debacle. Well, I've written a note." Getting emotional over the fact how much Frankie prepared herself for this, took Grace completely by surprise. "Can I see the note?" 

"Your points are really valid. We have to talk about this." A little pause. "Nick." "I tried Voodoo on him. But it's too much cultural appropriation to work out for me." To be able to read the last point Grace needed to take a closer look, it was crossed out two times. "Define our relationship. I don't understand that. You're my best friend. Nothing more, certainly nothing less. Right?" "Right." Frankie couldn't hide the relief in her voice. Thank god no one was here to ask her, what would have happened, if the answer would have been different, what it would have meant for their relationship. For now this had to be enough. Joanne might ask her one day again, demanding to get her view across, to re-examine the answer. Somehow the answer or Frankies reaction hurt Grace. Because she is more. Grace pushed this thought as far away as she could. 

"Let's start with the easy one. And the only thing which is not a part of this men-house-relationship mess we have." "I wouldn't call it a mess..." "Excuse me. Unlovely tangled mass. Better?" "No." Frankie dropped her shoulders, defeated, sitting now next to Grace. "It's a mess. We're never gonna come up with a solution." "Oh come on Frankie, these are just some new hurdles we have to stumble over. It's not the first time and not the last. Seriously, your cheery side is an essential part to working things out. You don't know how often this pushes me out of bed." "Thank you. Would it be alright for you if I officially step down from Vybrant? I think the idea do own a vibrator business is more appealing to me than the actual work. I will still help, but I don't want to get up for paper work and some numbers and rates. I'm sorry." "Don't be, you did what you could do and without you we wouldn't have reached anything. But you're right the hurdles are quite hefty at the moment, I already thought about hiring too. Think about that way, now we can offer work for two women. Consider the consumer study for poke and pop condoms as your farewell gift." 

"Okay." Stretching her arms, Grace stood up and thought about Nick. Nick, who super probably bought the house. "You should have crossed out Nick. He grosses me out." "Do you want to have the house back? At what cost?" "Yes." "Do you want me in the house?" "Same goes for you, Frankie. You could meet someone at a art fair. Fall in love with him, her. Them. Do you want me in the house then? It's as much your house as mine." This was more soul-baring than taking off the make up in front of Nick. "We should have talked about this after Santa Fe." "Yeah, but we were too happy to destroy the bliss." "Is there something to destroy?" "Why do you keep asking me this, Grace?" "Because you ran off to Santa Fe." "I came back." "With Jacob." "I'm here Grace. How much more do you need? You were part of the reason I broke up with him and yet this doesn't stop you from making silent reproaches." "I didn't write Jacob on my mental preparation note." "At least I loved him. But you- you are just with a man, because the idea that for once you have to shape yourself after your own needs, desires, longing is still sheer terror to you. And if a man can't fill you up, Vodka will gladly do." Grace retreated herself into the back of the room. This was absolutely not the way this should have evolved into. Bile rose up in her throat, burning, what the Vodka should have burnt. "Yeah, of course in the darkest place of the room. Funny, how you are the one who is afraid to be left behind. But every time you choose the fucking booze, the fucking you leave me behind." "Alright I get it. I am the bad one here and you're the good cop of the booze, firearms and tobacco." She spewed the words out louder than intended. Of course this would end up with her alone at this big fucking horrible house. 

"Putting you into rehab is not the intention of my talk, Grace." Frankie tried to make her voice as matter of fact as possible. She ran her hand trough her hair, thinking about a way to get out of this argument. "This is absolutely not the point now." She stood up and took a careful step towards Grace. "I wouldn't rule out a new relationship completely, but for the next months the desire is close to zero. But I still want to share the house with you. I want to you to be my best friend until the last fucking day. Blood brothers for life. But the guarantee, you so desparately need, that safety just can provided by someone, who loves you, like Robert should have. And I'm not that, like you said. Do you understand that?" "I'm no fucking idiot." "That's not what I meant, you know that." "Then tell me, why do I feel like one?" Bursting into tears, the only thing that let her not completely feeling like failure was turning away, hiding her face behind her hands. "Maybe because you want something different. If you want something different, then tell me." "But it is not different!" Her voice filled with desparation now. "Should I hug you?" "Yes." Frankie hoped, she heard it right and hugged her from behind, leaning her head against Graces back. The moment Frankie touched her, it was heaven and hell for Grace.


	5. the snapshot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the last chapter of the prelude

"I'm not mad at you, I just need a second alone, ok?" Grace released herself out of Frankies hug, avoiding eye contact. Otherwise the compassion would have burnt her. She went outside, almost tripping over the doorstep. Breathe in, breathe out, Grace, nothing more than the usual emotional change in weather, she scolded herself. It will calm down back to normal. What if you do not want normal anymore? You told her not everything. What was to tell? These thoughts were too wild for her liking. This damn feeling, overlooking something right in front of her eyes, but she couldn't get past this damned fog. The crash was inevitable, she just hoped, it wouldn't hurt too much. So many things to review. The prepared Frankie, a seldem seen side of her, she liked very much. Would have been nice, Frankie taking care of her this way. Reminding her of the doctors appointments. Not the other way round, sending a note four weeks in advance, hey Dr. Franze appointment coming soon. Not just because it was another five minutes to midnight situation. She wondered though, what exactly made her a reason for the break up. Jacobs dislike of her, her personality, the time Frankie spend with her? In the end it didn't really matter, because it filled her with a lighter mood. Frankie choose her. Long enough to go back to beach house.

"Are the seconds over? Asking for a friend." A second message popped up. "And if you're already on your way to Moscow, the friend would miss you very much. The friend-" Frankie was still writing. "I would miss you ver much." "Still here. Can't look at your sand castles in Moscow." "I think the friend would be delighted if you send three smiling smileys mit sunglasses..." Frankie showed up behind Grace and looked her over the shoulder. "I think it would be more true to myself if I send the friend smileys with martini glasses..." "You sound better." "I'm better, but Frankie, I'm exhausted. I want to go home." "Me too." "We could make a bbq tonight." "Or better we sleep at the haystock." "Do I have a choice?" "Nah." "Frankie, you disappoint me. I had myself prepared for five nights in the haystock... You could have had it all." 

Frankie tried to catch the melody of a Dolly Parton song and insisted she would have nailed it with blonde hair, breasts and acrylic nails. Adorable, Frankie was just adorable right now. She had hay all over hair and was slightly buzzed already. Grace was sure she would find hay in her underwear without knowig how it got there. Frankie had her Facebook cover picture already changed to a cute snapshot of the two. It was a little bit blurred, their cowboy hats shifted to the side, and both were roaring with laughter, bacause Frankie tried to take a picture and putting hay into Graces neckline at the same time. Grace spontaneously made the picture her phone background too. Her designated amateur sleuth would discover this one day for sure, but there are worse things to disover. "Maybe i should stuff my neckline with this hay, eco friendly breast enhancement." "More like a human scarecrow." "You know, I have a chat with the crows from time to time." "We don't want to scare them away. No, I like my Frankie all natural." "Thank you." Frankie took a sip from the whiskey. "Do you sometimes think about, if you're life would be better if you would have stayed in your home town?" "No. I would have married the farmer version of Robert. And turned into the perfect drunk farmer wife. I would have suffocated faster there, I choose to go. It kept me alive. And besides I wouldn't have met you." "Oh Grace, you know how to make unusual unexpected love confessions." "You count this as a love confession?" "How can I not? Five years ago you couldn't even bear to live under the same sun with me." "And now you're my favorite Frankie of all the Frankies of the world." Frankie let herself fall into the hay. "I'm two sips away from calling you sweetie forever." Grace sat down beside her. "Kevin doesn't stop you."


	6. The kids

The kids sat there like school children in front of their dads, waiting to hear how long the detention will be. "Oh boy." The thought alone how furious their ex wives must have been over the last months, let him shiver. "And now you want to buy it back?" "We know, we acted stupid." Coyote was the first one to speak again and the first one altogether to admit their plan was absolute idiocy. He wanted to get back on track with his mum, he had to. "We meant well..." "You need either a ton of money or Grace to get Nick to sell it." Robert chimed in. "If you buy it back, you're deciding for them again, over their heads. You did that already once too often." "Then tell us what do to. You know them." "This is your shit, it's not like in 5th grade were we did your homework." "Robert, don't be so harsh. They obviously need our help." "If our help would be needed, Grace would have phoned in long time ago. The kids send them in under false pretences, they're have every right to be mad at the kids." "You make us sound like we send them into the psychic ward." Mallory objected. "It must have felt like this for them..." Coyote retorted. "At least they could ask Nick how much he wants. Give Frankie the chance to be an active grandma again and let Grace help at Say Grace." "Sol, I think it's the best to wait, until we hear from them again." "You may know Grace better, but I know what Frankie needs. And Frankie can't stay mad forever." "Ok, but don't drag me into this." Brianna eye-rolled at her dad. "You're already in this mess. Family - do you undertand what that means? If one of us drowns, everybody drowns." "Hey Brianna, what comes next? Family dinner with sunday roast, same clothes for everyone, family discount at McDonald's?" "Ew. But Frankie has the best weed in a five miles radius. I miss my reefer madness supply." "You should have thought about this beforehand." "Mallory and Bud didn't thought about this either and they're the square ones.", answered Brianna defending herself. "Maybe we are the ones who should have smoked their weed, should loosen up a bit. As long Grace has the brains and Frankie has the body, they have enough to survive. Oh karma will kick us in our non existent balls." 

Meanwhile Grace and Frankie were driving home. "Did you forget the kids as a topic or explicitly left it out?" "The latter. I didn't want to put more pressure on you. They were on my mind, when I didn't think about us." "Oh. Sounds not much." Grace tried to sound neutrally, but there was this strange curiosity again. "It was more as in the days after Walden Villas, but it's still less than before Walden Villa. I want to start with Coyote. When he got into rehab, he made the final decision, we looked out for the place, but only because he finally wanted to. Technically he should know much it drags you into the gutter, if someone takes your freedom away. Maybe he saw this problem coming, but was overruled. Or he didn't then he would deserve the stomp on his feet even more. They all deserve it, as reminder for when they turn seventy, how it feels like to get everything taken away just because your tooth are plastic and the brown hair is made by Loreal." "You dye your hair?" "Henna." Frankie was for a second distracted. "Anyway I don't want to crawl back from my cozy place in hell to kick their 75 year old asses." Making a fast side glance at Frankie, she let out a chuckle. "I thought, you don't believe in hell?" "Visiting some cool people there." "Although it has dry heat?" "You're there too although they don't serve martinis." "I went to the confession." Her indignation had a playful tone. "Vybrant wouldn't make a single penny without lust and gluttony. Case closed."

"Mallory, don't do this." Coyote tried to intervene. "We did the same what Grace did when Frankie had the stroke. Calling the doctors and asking about the information." "I'm pretty sure, putting them into an old folks home without their consent is on a different level." "Frankie didn't give her consent either." "But let's not make the same mistake twice." "I'm gonna call him." "Hi, Nick, we discovered, that our mothers did wanna stay in a broken home indeed and damned us to hell for putting them into Walden Villas. We don't have the money and rely simply on your manly territorial claim over Grace to get the house back, although we don't know for sure if they want it back.", said Brianna, mocking her sisters voice. "Fuck you. Don't you dare to distance yourself from this. And you too, Coyote." Mallory looked daggers at them, while dialing Nicks number. 

"Mallory." He sounded surprised. "I'd rather hear the voice of your mother. But every time I call, I get to hear Kookie telling me another theory about the CIA, the squirrels and the weather. It's not a turn on." "Well, those who find it endearing are rare." "Do I have to listen to the whole wikipedia entry or can I cut it short?" "Maybe." The moment Mallory told them, what she had arranged, Brianna slapped her hands. "Are fucking nuts?" "Stop it. Frankie can't stand him anyway." "Grace would never trade Frankie for the house." Bud and Coyote were equally shocked. "I should have slapped the phone out of your hand before you said Hi to him. You really made it ten times worse." Brianna could barely contain her anger. "Would you stop, I don't know why you make such a big deal out of it. He clearly loves her, she loves him." Bud hadn't said anything until now. "Hello, she fled with Frankie." "And now they live happily married." Mallory snarled at Bud, sounding now likewise pissed. 

Frankie was drumming at the steering wheel, waiting for green. "So, another meeting with sleazy guy. Hopefully the last one, before he rots next to Hugh Hefner." "I will give him every nickel and dime he wants. This is our house, I want our house back." "Your determination got you to the tippy top, hopefully does it get him out of the house, too."


	7. No.

Waiting until Frankie decided, which gummi bear mix was the right one, Grace checked her phone. She had already paid, but Frankie simply couldn't go without sweets. An unread text from Nick. And Mallory. Every line made her more enraged. "Those fuckers!" Frankie dropped the spoon and the gummi bears ended up scattered on the floor. "Frankie, come on!" "But the-" Grace kneeled down and collected the bears, threw them in the next bin and gave the perplexed chashier ten dollars. "You don't need gummi bears, you'll need protection gear." She almost pulled Frankie out of the gas station. "You're frightening me right now." "Mallory and Nick should be the ones who are afraid." "Oh shit." "Would you please send Mallory a text, we're arrive her house within the next half hour and that the kids should go to the neighbour." "Do you want me to drive?" "I do not have a single drop of alcohol in my blood stream. Hell or high water I will drive." 

"Mom, wait, let me explain-" The door behind Grace banged against the wall, she had to watch herself not to run into her daughter. Grace making the No gesture with her index finger, silenced her daughter instantly. "No. I do not want hear your declaration again, still not considering my reasons against it." Slowly trembling less, Graces facial expression stayed stern. "You did not gave us the time to make the right decision for ourselves. Apperently we will need care 24/7 one day, but your actions speed up the inevitable decline unnecessarily. You robbed us energy, self-determination and a whole lot of other things you can't even comprehend, because you're four decades too young for this. We might even had said yes, but you couldn't wait to see us tucked away. You didn't do this to your dads." Guilt was written all over Mallorys face. "But this..." Taking a deep breath, Grace swallowed the tears, thinking how Frankie would encourage her mentally, waiting outside in the car. "But this. You did it again and made it even worse. The first time, it is forgivable more or less, it's something all children have to face. But now you made decisions again for me, again behind my back and this time you made even worse ones. You just completely omitted my physical and emotional boundaries. Here I am finally learning listening to my body, to my needs and then this... I said to Sol Frankie and Vybrant are enough. I still mean that with every fiber. I do not want a man in my house ever again. Even more if he can't stand Frankie." "Mom, this is ridiculous. Stop acting like you can't live without her." "I can. But I don't want to."

Frankie stood near the car, drawing with her finger tips suns onto the wind shield. "Let's go. You drive." Grace gave her the keys, sounding fatigued. "I'm calling Nick, I think, he won't hestitate a minute to come over. If you don't want him in the flat, it's ok, we'll go to a restaurant, it would be nice then, if you come with me." "Don't you think, taking a nap beforehand at least would be better?" "I'll save two hours by not applying any make up. I want to bring this to an end. I'm the so over this whole thing, you can't imagine. The only thing keeps me going is the prospect of sitting next to you on the beach, sharing a joint, a laughter, everything." 

"Ready?" Frankie stood behind Grace, holding her hand. "No, but I won't be ready tomorrow either." She opened the door and looked into to dozens of red roses. "Cut the crap." "Usually red roses do the trick." "Yeah and I'm not usually." Nick put them down. "Frankie, still as kooky as your stories?" "Still sleazier than a slug? See, our exchange of terms of endearment is still as awkward as ever. Nothing's changed." Frankie took the roses. "I'll share them with the whole house later. Trying to turn this into something good." "So I'm still no good in her eyes, huh." Grace gave him an irritated glare, which made Nick realise, that he might be no good in her eyes now too. "Did she hex you?" She flipped him off. "Fuck you and your abhorrent world view. Give us our house back, stay out of our vibrator business and fuck off for good." "Why should I get my nails dirty for sex with a frigid hag. I should have known better, woman who are good to fuck don't need vibrators." She didn't meet his balls exactly with her knee, but he let out a growl and hurried out of the flat. After closing the door, Frankie looked at Grace absolutley amazed at what she just witnessed. Grace fell into her arms, tears and snot running, utterly deprived of energy.


	8. Grauer Alltag

Another blouse. Two mismatching socks of Frankie. Her jeans with marks who were not there when she bought it. She couldn't recall when she wore the jeans in Frankies proximity. Jeans, so many jeans. About fifteen different socks, in colors she sometimes even suspected, if they're really existing. One of them fell to the floor and by bending down, she pushed the laundry basket too close to the edge of the table by accident and all the folded items landed on the floor. Which meant, she had to do it again, which meant she had less time for unpacking, there were about eight big boxes still waiting, which meant it would be even later to do the emails for vybrant, which meant she won't get into bed before midnight again, lying awake until three and waking up feeling like she just ran a marathon. Which meant, which meant, which meant, I forgot something. Grace stood there paralysed and unable to stop the train of thought. The longer everything was on the floor, the more it got wrinkled and she just could not do the ironing. Alone the thought of lifting the electric iron. Which meant she had to go the appointments looking like she got dressed in the dumpster. "Grace? Do you want to a fruit salad too?" Frankies voice came out of the kitchen, in her usual sprightly manner. Frankie. Frankie who had done so much for her. So much she couldn't pay back. "Grace?" To hear her voice coming closer, made it worse. Usually she hated herself for crying, but right now she would have prayed for it, to get her of this state. 

"Grace!" Frankies voice must sound like her own voice, when Frankie couldn't move due to the stroke, Grace thought, like she was about to move out of her body to watch herself. "Hm?" Sounding distant, distracted. She had to snap out of this state. This was not her. Frankie grabbed Grace by the upper arms and shook her a bit. "Grace, what's wrong, are you in pain? A stroke?" "No... Just tired." Collecting the clothes, Grace knew, her evening would end with Vodka. She did not want to feel like this ever again, unable to move, because her mind couldn't get the nerves and muscles going. Being physically unable to move was disheartening enough, but being physically able yet feeling like being stuck in concrete was not something she wanted to save in her memory. "You say that a lot lately." "I am that a lot lately. But my blood values are alright. I had my usual check three weeks ago. Nothing to worry about." "I want you to promise that." Grace looked up to Frankie. There was something wrong and Frankie knew it. "Please, don't make me do that. I can't." How much she would have given to do that and to see Frankie being relieved, smiling. Maybe even putting the arms around her. But instead it just cost her strength and increased the alcohol intake. "You don't need to do the folding. I'll do it tomorrow." Both knew, the chances were high, the folding still wouldn't be done by noon, if Frankie didn't step in. Taking the blouse out of Graces hand, Frankie took over. The moment Grace was out of the room, Frankie began to cry into blouse. It was their house again, but it felt like a huge setback. Right now, she could not answer, if they could recover once more.

Some days later, with a deep sigh, Grace sprawled over the couch. Frankie came to her with a tablet."Last box. And the next move is either into Walden Villas ultimately or in the back black box, where I don't even have to pack something." "Gallow's humor. Apparently getting better with age." "We could watch Best Exotic Marigold Hotel." "Too tired for that one, I don't want to fall asleep, missing their gorgeous accents. I know one, still older people, but kicking some asses." "Let me guess. RED." "Bingo. How much sprinkles do you want?" "Two." Grace put a jumper on to hide that she hardly could keep a straight face. "Grace, you ran so many stairs today." Frankie tried to look candidly concerned. "You could eat at least-" "Four?" Both burst into laughter. Coughing, Frankie replied hoarsly: "I would have said, two and a half..." About an hour later, Frankie was half asleep, lying on the couch next to Grace, when Grace turned around and put her arm over Frankies upper body in sleep. Awake again, Frankie watched her face. "You know, I love the way we love each other. Sleep tight, pussycat." Sealing it with a kiss on the forehead.


	9. calling you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCLpLWcX2cg  
> Jevetta Steele / I'm calling you

Despite still too upset sharing the same space with the children, they had ushered them around, let them do the moving and unpacking of the lesser personal things. The reconciliaton had already started, when the children left the beach house later in the evening two weeks ago. Graces hand lingered over the landline. "Who do you want to call?" Frankies voice from the porch startled Grace. "It's not Nick?" When Grace saw the alert look on Frankies face, she began to smile. "I assure you, he's canceled." "Then who?" "Mallory. Brianna. Mallory. I don't know. I think, for once, I'm more upset about Mallory than Brianna. Which doesn't mean that I'll drop the Say Grace subject. But the truth is, Say Grace hat some setbacks too, during my time. And I can't take the experience away from her making up wrong commercial decisions. Having said that Mallory really crossed a line with Nick." Grace joined Frankie outside, watching the ocean. "Don't be too harsh on her. You can't blame her for perpetuating a process you enabled in the first place. I warned you about him and yet... You did tell me about your later feelings for Nick, but you didn't tell her. For her it looked like a perfect match. And to be honest, you're terrifying good at looking for the perfect match, for the perfect look. You still do that. Your marriage was based on the perfect look. How should she know the difference between real love and the perfect look, when she was never taught otherwise?" Almost five years ago this would have meant turning into a statue by Graces glare. Now it was just stating the facts. "I know..." Turning around Grace continued: "Brianna is right, my girls needed your presence. It balanced at least some of our wrong doings out." She gave Frankie an affirming clap on her shoulder. This felt like a verbal hug from Grace.

Soon after their short discussion Frankie went to her studio and Grace made herself two Martinis. "Hi, Mum. Are we already in the calling you Mum state again?" "Yeah, yeah. It's not like I, like we gave you the best example how a relationship should be maintained." "No..." "I am still mad at you for a couple of weeks, months. You know that." "Yes, I do. It's what we deserve. But I really thought, you still love Nick. You never indicated otherwise." "I'm sorry, the next time I'll have to talk about my feelings, I send in Frankie first. She really gets me talking." Mallory oppressed an irritated sigh. "I know, you're grateful for her friendship, but you don't have to give her credit for every single thing." Grace was taken aback. The last time they talked about Frankie, Mallory had the same reaction to it. Mentioning Frankie was enough to bug Mallory. Maybe Brianna knew more, she could ask her that later. For now, they simply had to change the topic, she had not enough Martinis for a another fight. Especially not one about Frankie. This one might be soon enough. Another strange sudden inspiration related to Frankie. Which led to the questions how many drinks she had to drink to either stop or encourage them. "Why don't you love him anymore? Did you have a fight?" Silence. "Mum?" "I think, my knee close to his balls counts as a fight." "Mum? I'm- I'm aghast." "I hope, you're more aghast, when I tell you what he said to me or how he talked about Frankie. Misogynist describes it perfectly. I mean, we had a thing, but it was more about power. He tried to buy me. In a way tried to buy my body. I liked the idea first, to have power over him. But it got less empowering the longer we continued. It's not empowerment, if he gives you a part of your own space back and demands a praise for it." "Oh.." "These man don't love you, they love the power they have over you, the space they have from you." "But with Dad-" "It wasn't like that with Robert. No, we were in our exactly confined spaces. 4O years and the only way to breach this arrangement were vodka, pills and soo much work. At least from my side." Both remained silent for some beats. "He of course, had a gentlemen's agreement with another gentleman." One of kids burst into the kitchen, screaming. "Okay, Mum, Mummy duty here!"

"I just talked with your sister. Is she in a fight with Frankie?" "Straight to the core. Not that I know of. Why?" "Because the last two times we had a conversation, Frankies name was enough to let react her strange. Like she is annoyed by her." "More as usual?" "Yes, but we spent less time with her. Something where she is partly to blame for." "Maybe she is annoyed, because every third sentence is about Frankie." "It is not!" "Okay, maybe every fourth. But it is quite obvious how much she means to you." "I'm just grateful." "Yeah, but being grateful doesn't have to involve falling in love with Frankie. Maybe it sounds like that to Mallory. Maybe that makes her afraid, not knowing you too. Lying about that right to her face too." "I'm not falling in love with Frankie." "Yeah, I know. But being afraid of something isn't always rooted in something real. Her marriage broke. Your marriage broke. You broke up with Nick. To me it makes sense." "Hey, common sense from you in a discussion about feelings, without a hint of sarcasm. I'm talking to my daughter. Am I?" "No office today, no faux smiling, five minutes of kindness to give." "How do you plan to get Say Grace back on track?" 

Making Cha-Cha-Cha moves, Frankie danced around in her studio. The confirmation finally has arrived. A seminar she wanted to visit with Babe, but they were on a waiting list what seemed like forever. "Oh Babe, i'm finally in and you aren't on my side. Maybe we would have been to much of a force for one tutor. Or you finally convinced them, that I absolutely have to take part in this. Either way, your spirit will be with me anyway. Miss you. And Grace won't let you know this, but she misses you terribly. Like I do."


	10. touching you, touching me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> had acute writer's block until I had the idea to bring a scene earlier in the story than intended. and suddenly... it wrote itself again. 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wG2LD0l0Qzs  
> Malaria! - Lay Lady Lay

Whoa, this is heavy shit, Grace thought to herself. The cozy warmth of the studio increased the feeling. It was raining all day and against all usual patterns, they had eaten the whole vegan Curry and Samosas. The stains Grace got on her top in return for picking a pea out of Frankies hair was just a Rorschach test for Frankies eyes. Of course one had to resemble a vagina, nothing new. Sharing some hash cookies was the topping. "Unless you had Robert Redford in your bed, without letting me know, missy, I have to suspect your Manege a moi run all week and draining five batteries on its course... You eat like a horse today, take it easy on the cookies, they're sneaky." "Don't you think, I'm used to it now? Five years of coiling papers for the joints have to pay off." Just to flex on her, Grace bit into another cookie.

"Tell me from your body painting work shop. I knew, how much you wanted to do this. I'm really glad that the weekend finally came." The way how Frankie spoke with her whole body, the way her eyes began to sparkle, when she spoke about her art, it filled her with envy in her earlier years but now it hit a note within her, Grace couldn't stop listen to. Not that she wanted to. "Do you paint with your hands or do you paint on your body?" "Sometimes it feels like the exhibition validated me as an artist in your eyes too. Your interest in my art was rather forced out of courtesy. It's different now. Like the world, i created and you discovered, finally draws you in and you can't let go of it." "Not the answer I expected, but thank you." "Well, I thought, you like to know that. Besides the sudden interest in technical aspects." Out of a sudden urge Grace chimed in, asking in a higher voice than usual: "Can I do it too? Please, let's do this together?" "What, body painting?" "Yes." "Did I forget to tell you, you have to be au naturel for this or did you deliberately miss that part?" "Oh..." For moment, the weird energy buzzing between the two was on hold. "You have already seen me naked more times than I can count and wanted to. For once I can give you the permission." "Oh, I don't deserve this..." The tone, the wording, Frankie couldn't decipher in a rush what that meant. 

"You're ready? You don't have to do this, you know that." "Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go everywhere. Heaven is dull. I don't want to be dull." Grace stood behind the easel, the canvas covering her upper body. "I get that. Can we at least agree to use a safe word?" "You make it sound like we go full fifty shades of grey." "No, because they didn't use one. But you're high and it involves nudity and entering personal space." "I wanna do it right now" Grace almost swalloed some syllables, shooting the answer into the room. "Okay." Grace was blushing a little bit. "Bet, you're looking down right now." Becoming aware of her blushing, Grace looked down. "Good to know, that the good girl hasn't gone completely. I suggest we listen to Lay Lady Lay..." It took some time for Grace to remember the lyrics. But then her head jerked up. "No!" "Just teasing..." Grace did deserve this indeed. Showing herself, that her body was art. Not just a vessel who had to maintained quarterly and with increasing construction works. "Your leap of faith and courage is amazing by the way. Room is almost set." Frankie suddenly realizied, she was way more nervous than she thought she could be after the green cookies.

Humming, yet failing completely in calming herself, Frankie rearranged the brushes. Putting things, cans, dirty plates into the shelves. "I'm freezing to death over here. You don't have to do a full clean-up, I was here all day long!" Ok, Gaia, I need some help here. Checking again, if there were enough cushions on the floor, Frankie let out a sigh and looked upwards. "Oh, fuck there are spider webs all over!" "I thought, you already named them after some bands..." Grace chuckled. Gaia, somehow my nerves right now are on romcom level and I don't know why I have suddenly so many of them. I've seen Grace naked before, but helping her out of the bath tub is not exactly a burleske show. Gaia, you know, I love everyone, well not the person who decided to stop selling Salty Peanuts Caramel Crunchy Cones at FroJo Palace, but do you think, that maybe an arrow with her name is heading towards me and this is not helping. Gaia didn't answer, so with a faint-hearted voice, Frankie called Grace in.

It took much off Frankies nervousness to see Grace stepping over the cushions nonchalantly. "Fuck, I forgot the music." Frankie turned around to rustle trough some cassettes. Grace began to smile. "Are nervous because of me?" "Me? No, just-" Frankie pushed the box back and presented two tangled cassettes. "Just got caught up in a bandsalat." How fitting, Frankie thought to herself. "Don't you have any CD's, category world music or something other deafening and undescriable?" For once Frankie was thankful for Grace's teasing. "Wait, I have a playlist with AOR lovesong covered by indie bands." Grace shrugged, not really knowing what AOR meant nor which bands were indie. She was rather surprised, that although maybe a little bit too sad, she like the sound. 

“Shall we?” Frankie unbuttoned her jeans. Grace inhaled sharply. The next moment she could feel the goosepumps. In order to save herself she made herself very small and mustered the pattern of the floor. “Tadah!” Wearing a black hipster, Frankie stood there like a Calvin Klein model from the 90ies, her thumps hooked on the seam. It did not go unnoticed by Frankie, how Graces breathing changed. 

“Which colour?” “Purple?” “The easiest to start is the back, do as long you want, whatever comes to your mind. Just warn me before you start, the paint a little bit cold. Sponges need more paint and make softer outlines.” “You're really excited, are you?” “Hell, yeah!” Frankie sat down, cross-legged and closed her eyes. Grace dipped the sponge into the paint. Three times, just to be sure. But then she sat inertly behind Frankie and was completely blank. “Tell me, what's going through your mind.” “I don't know what to paint.” “What picture is in your mind?” “A spiral.” “Start with that.” Grace set the sponge a little bit higher above the center of Frankie back. “Uff, forgot to warn me.” “Sorry.” 

“Your motions got faster and more solvent in the end. Did you enjoy it?” “Actually yes.” Frankie took on brush and painted a smiley onto Graces hand. “Seems like I have the same problem, but to me you are already one the most beautiful persons of the world, so nothing to add to be perfect.” Grace let out a snort. “Hello? The last time you saw me naked you wore the glasses, didn't you notice the scars, the loose skin, the wrinkles?” Frankie had begun to doodle with the brush. The paint must have been a lot warmer now, because Grace did not say anything about the temperature. She stopped. “No, really Grace. To me you are beautiful not despite the wrinkles, the scars. But due to the wrinkles and scars too. I want to see life in the faces, on the hands, the work. Your eyes...”

Somehow the energy changed again in the room with the change of Frankies voice. Grace became alert. The moment she felt Frankie caressing her shoulder, Graces body became tense. “Help me up, now.” The voice stern. Grace hated her body for being so fucking old and dysfunctional. “Ok? What's wrong?” “I said painting not petting.” “I did not intend to-” “You never intend to. Just flowing, and whatever comes up, you always have some herbs, some meditation routine, some goddess to help and if not you fabricate some new age shit. Who cares, but did it ever cross your mind that your magic spells might help you, and I dare say most of the times they rely heavily on my ability to communicate and work with the real world, but when it comes to other people, me included, they do shit?!? I offered you this and you have to destroy it by telling me, you think my body is beautiful. Destroying it by touching me!” Grace was almost crying now. This was not the way, it was meant to go. After trying two minutes to close the bra, she threw it angrily away. “Let me at least wipe the paint away, ok?” “That is the least you could do. I don't want to destroy my clothes with it.” Frankie swallowed her tears down and took her T-Shirt to wipe the doodle away. When she realized, what she had doodled, it was even harder to swallow the tears. Two hearts on a wave. “You can go now.” It was a hoarse whisper. The moment Grace stepped into the rain, it dawned on her, how much she must have hurt her. Again.


	11. all I see is you

"Who would have thought that you can mix your styles so smoothly." Sol was impressed and gave Frankie two thumps up. "It looks like your house now too, Frankie.", added Robert. "I gave up some rattan furniture in exchange for Grace a giving up the idea of having for each meal a different table. Finally some space for her exercising to old workout videos and for me to pogo." "She's not going to pogo. We don't need another knee surgery." Grace yelled out from the kitchen, finishing the dressing for the salad. "Still the pessimist here. She simply can't wrap her head around the idea, that pogo doesn't equate hospital." "You have enough space now to lease the studio." Frankie tapped Robert on his arm. "Can we agree, that we don't talk about the studio. We had a disagreement about how to use it." This fight must have been huge, Robert thought to himself. Mentioning the studio was enough to bring Frankie close to tears. He couldn't shake off the feeling, that Grace was the one, who picked a quarrel. Sol tried to hug her. "No. Please." She wished, that Grace would come in eventually so they could eat in silence or chat like bots. It would have been perfectly ok to text them, too exhausted for dinner, see you next week? But Grace had to parade through this, like she would be judged by the wasp homemaker tribunal. Hiding the mud underneath crafted roast and a variety of salads and side dishes. Even vegan ones. They had not really spoken since the incident. Barely could stand to be in the same room. Even less to look at each other. She should have said firmer no. But Grace said so often No to herself and her wishes, she didn't have the heart to say no too.

They were sitting around the table, everyone had most of their meals eaten and they were chatting again about this and that. A faint constant drizzling could be heard. Grace had already more than her usual amount, she was relatively quiet today. If she would have been asked what she was thinking about she would have honestly answered that with a shrug and a „I don't know.“ She sat there and stroked the rim of the wine glass from time to time. "By the way, we got asked, if our vibrator could be used in a feminist porn." Frankie blurted it out. If this couldn't change the mood, nothing could. Grace sat up a little bit straighter and more attentive. "Hannah Sunderwood, who's directing, send me an email yesterday." It made Grace's mind swirl in thousand directions and her body responded in a way it shouldn't do. She couldn't pinpoint one thought down all day long, like she moved through fog, but now she was wide awake. "And she asked me, if I want to appear in the movie." „You will be naked?“ Grace felt like the moment where you turn on the shower and don't know whether the water will come out hot or cold. But she needed to hear it. Hear it from her. Frankie nodded in bright excitement. Bang. Grace shoot off her chair. Completely taken by surprize Sol, Robert and Frankie looked at her questiongly. „Everything's ok?“ The hot air didn't come from the steam of the shower, it came from the thought of Frankie being naked and the vibrator. „Yes, yes, just forgot to take my meds. I will be right back.“ Grace couldn't master to look them into their faces. She could only hope she had enough make up to cover how red she felt. Surprisingly she managed to get out of the room with dripping or throwing something down the floor. 

Finally in her sleeping room, Grace locked the door. Her hands were shivering. Unsure what to do next, she stood still. Although she kind of appreciated it, that the strange fog around her head finally has been lifted, there was something else now there, which wasn't so easy to admit. Arousal. Envy. Grace looked at her hands. Still shivering. She let out a sigh and rubbed her face. Just the direction of the thought made her blush. Her lower part of her body certainly wanted to see it. But if she acted this wish out, a wish who got really out of proportion, she couldn't undone it. She could not take it back. Could not unsee it. She couldn't control it anymore in the future. Which terrified her completely. So the only way to control it was to dump it. The moment she decided to turn to vodka, her arousal and envy was gone and sadness hit her. Which made her shoulders subside, her whole body hunch down. It didn't matter if she defeated the feelings around Frankie or the feelings her, the next hour everything will be in back in a blurry. Kinda ironic, because she really hated feeling like this today. Grace went to her nightstand. For a moment her hand lingerrd over the drawer. She could have still taken the vibrator. 

When Grace finally came back down the stairs, it took her quite an effort. She needed to steady herself on the hand rail. If she went behind the last step, she knew from somewhere deep down near her heart, that she had taken a road, which would take her away, from feelings. From Frankie. The No to this way was really blaring inside her. The rushed down vodka made it also perfectly clear, that she had no choice, because she then would have to give up the safety net left with her. The alcohol, the lies, Frankies presence. Sol saw her first. He rushed to her, filled with concern. „What happened? Are you alright? How can we help?“ Still not taken the last step, he took her arms and looked at her very seriously. „No, no everything's fine, just a rush of migraines. I think, it will be better if you go now. Or no, when I will go.“ She said it rather fast and steady. „Go for a walk, yeah.“ She couldn't face Frankie. Frankie stood still at the table, one finger tipping thoughtful on her lip. Something happened. It had to do something with her. She knew somehow, the answer to this will come to her, the answer will be a beautiful flower, but the road to this one would be quite rocky. It made her terrified but determined. Frankie took a deep breath. „Ok folks, I see not everyone is ready for the art of life which is unfolding in front of us. So lets take a step back and be grateful for what we have and thank for the sun and the moon.“ Robert and Sol got the message rather quickly, after all they knew their wives very well. The sound of glasses and spoons banging together was covering the sound of her taking the step very well and Grace was truly thankful for that. „At least take an Uber.“ Frankie took the next plate. „Please.“ Grace winced and choked up at the sound of it. When Grace was finally out of the hallway, Frankie dared to look towards the front door. 

Frankie waited until the sun went up for Grace. She waited for nothing.


	12. the downward spiral

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is really dark

The world, the kitchen, Frankie was too silent right now. She knew Frankie watched her, the attention completely drawn to her movements. Technically, the tea had too much alcohol mixed into for breakfast. Grace poured the tea into the basin. By now, Frankies fruit salad mixed with oat flakes must have gone soggy. "I-" Her eyes focused on the rum bottle, Grace tried to find the right words. "I- It- I am-" She sighed and filled the cup with tea and rum again. "I am sorry." She turned around, the cup in her hands, because rather burning her hands by holding Frankie she wanted to burn her hands at the cup. "I am sorry for accusing you of inapprobriately touching me. You did not. For accusing you, that this didn't go the way we-" She looked down. It was her idea, not Frankies. So often the offer to get naked in front of each other got declined by her. And everytime Frankie sneaked into the bathroom, she made a scene out of. For the first time she felt regret. Frankie could have shown her more than just her body. Whatever this "more" was. Regret, that she was so used to thinking within this cage of don't do this, don't that, it's a sin, it's a sin, that she even couldn't allow herself to break out, when she was far from sober. She had sabotaged herself, again. She was the bully, she bullied herself for the feeling she had. "I'm sorry, that you tried to teach me so much over years and I always said no. You derserve a better treatment." Grace put her cup down, poured more rum into and went out of the kitchen, without acknowledging Frankie. Abandoned, Frankie felt abandoned. And the fruit salad was bland. 

"Oh come on, don't you think it's time to get over the stupid fight over the studio. Why did you even fight about it, put Frankies stuff down into the medidation room and lease the damn thing." Irritated again, Mallory tried to catch the plate before falling down. "It's not just stuff." Her mother had called her, clearly in the mood for talking. But Mallory was far from that mood, her ex-husband still hadn't signed the papers and her kids were on special level of destroying things today. "Mum, can't you talk with someone else, I've got stuff to do. So much stuff." "You were the last someone else I had..." "I'm sorry, but we could talk tomorrow. My kids are on a mission to wreak a havoc everywhere." "Ok, I understand." For second Grace had the impulse to throw the phone against wall. But then she felt defeated and so alone. She tried to talk, like everyone always suggested. But the truth was, there were times everyone had something to do. Like now. She shut off the phone and put it into the drawer, in exchange for the vodka. 

Instead of closing the distance, Graces apology enforced it. Grace seemed like she genuinely wanted to make a step forward, showing interest in her art, getting comfortable with smaller personal space between them, whatever was, something was there. If this meant, that Grace had to drink more to be capable in continuing this, she didn't want it. She wanted their old state back. Frankie thought not for the first time, that it would have been better staying out of the beach house forever. It should have nursed them back to vitality, but it just drained energy. Frankie had to get out of it, out of town. At least for some days. Not waking up to the smell of alcohol. Not waking up to the sounds out of the bathroom. Not eating and thinking of the actions behind the bath room door. Everytime she thought about Grace, she had to think about the booze, the pills, the disordered eating habits. It was getting worse. And her own actions seemed to fuel them. She had to pull the plug for the sake of herself. 

Tired, so fucking tired and everytime she thought, she was falling asleep, finally, she was wide awake again. This was not what she had booked. Vodko should have taken care of her, not the other way around. She had taken her pills as prescribed. As well as the prn medication. After all she had a high demand, so much was demanded from her. The days didn't stop coming and going, she couldn't catch on sleep, applying the make up was so exhausting, like sitting five hours in the mask just to face the ordinary world. But the years, where the mask helped her conquer the world, were long gone, and her ordinary and dull world was falling apart. Exposing more and more of the inner core of herself, which was as rotten as someone could be who was soaked in alcohol for years, skeletonized and cut off of her inner world, once as colorful as a magic book. It made her despise herself as usual, as learned from her mother and her mother's mother. Soap in her mouth couldn't do, what the looks have done to her. 

When Grace finally was in this indented state of near sleeping and not caring at all what was happening, a wave of nausea hit her. Something between a sigh and cry came out. She had to get out of bed. Fast. Faster than she could. Everything seemed to move, spinning around her, the only thing that didn't move was she. A faint knock at door. Silence. Frankie came into the room warily. „Are you ok?“ Grace heard it, but did not react. She wanted to look at Frankie, but the spinning did not stop. An empty bottle near the drawer, pills on the floor. It made Frankie gulp, she had to look away for a moment. Frankie took a deep breath, wiped her tears away and turned to Grace again. „At least let me see how much you took.“ Weeks ago, Grace would have been very embarassed about knowing, that Frankie knew exactly how much she drank, how many pills she took. But right now she didn't care about how much Frankie cared about her. Frankie went to the night stand and began to control the pill boxes. Grace noticed how routinely Frankie did it. An almost not noticable wave of embarrassment made it through the dizziness. But as much she wanted to look away, she couldn't. „Okay, you really hit yourself up, but you somehow managed to stay right before the point of calling an ambulance.“ Frankie said it more to herself than to Grace. „Can I at least control your pulse too?“ Now she really had to look at Grace. She laid strewn over the bed. One foot outside of it. Her face ghost pale. „Whoa, that hurts to see you like this!“ It was almost like getting boxed in the stomach. Her trembling hand lingered a moment in the air over Graces arm. Frankie backed away. „I-“ „I'm sorry, I can't. I'm calling an ambulance.“ If Grace would have seen, how frail Frankie looked right now, it would have broken her heart into pieces, it would have broken her. But she didn't care enough for Frankie or herself to look at her best friend. 

Somehow Grace began to notice, that she was in danger indeed. If the ambulance came, she would have been shut off the booze, the pills. They would have started to control her eating habits. Food would have been shoved down her throat, greasy, fatty, icky food. Even it was only figuratetively. They would have taken the control over her body, the only thing she needed and she could control, the rest of her shitty life was just riddle and unannounced terror. „If you'll do this, you have to do it from every day now on.“ Although very slurred, the snarl came across like the cold thunder Grace intended to. Frankie, ashen, stumbled out of the room, absolutely taken aback. Pure Angst crept into Frankies spine. It cut off the air. Between gasps of tears and trying to breathe steadily Frankie managed to dial Sols number. „Come-“ Another gasp. „Please come-“ „Hurry!“ Frankie wasn't sure, if she said or texted it. She could not see anything because of the tears and her shivering. Her whole body was shivering. Frankie stood in the kitchen and the only thing she could see, think or say was Grace. Between gasps of tears and trying to breathe steadily Frankie managed to dial Sols number. „Come-“ Another gasp. „Please come-“ „Hurry!“ Frankie wasn't sure, if she said or texted it. She could not see anything because of the tears and her shivering. Her whole body was shivering. Frankie stood in the kitchen and the only thing she could see, think or say was Grace. Sol bellowed almost at Robert „Go!“ Robert gave Sol a bewilderd looked. Sol took Roberts arm rather forceful. „There is something wrong with Frankie. But I think, something is far more wrong with Grace!“ „Ok, but I'll drive!“ They did not speak while driving.

Grace began to feel quite queasy. The wave grew up really fast. In the next moment she could already feel the vomit in her mouth. It drove her out of the dizziness and the bed really fast. Although she had one hand in front of her mouth, she couldn't contain it any longer, she had to spit it into her hand. Another retch. Then blackout. When Frankie heard Graces retching, it made her retch too, violently. The rumble she heard next, was a earth quake to her. „Do something!“ screamed Frankie into the void of her kitchen, their kitchen. She covered her ears, let herself slip down to the floor, crying, wincing, wailing. Sol and Robert rushed into the kitchen, dreading at what to come. Sol took Frankie in his arms, trying to soothe her. „Where's Grace?“ Robert began to look around already a bit frantically. „Upstairs“ It was barely a mumble. „You'll have to come with me, if it is, what I think it is, I'll need you!“ Roberts voice was raspy. „I'll come back to you, ok?“ Sol gave Frankie an assuring hug. Robert quickly turned his face away, when he was hit by smell of alcohol and vomit. The memory rose up abruptly, although the smell he used to know was less heavy. „What is it?“ „She threw up.“ After a longer pause it dawned on Sol, what this meant for Robert. „Oh.“ Robert could hear the sadness in it. „Yeah, this is the typical family eating at holidays smell.“ „Ok this is really bad. But then, why made it Frankie so upset? She must at least suspect it already...“ „Maybe Pills.“ „Oh fuck, pills!“ Robert gave himself the answer. „Call an ambulance!“ He stormed into the room and almost fell over Grace. Blood was staining the carpet, vomit was between her hair, hand, over her blouse. Blood was on the doorframe. Some pills did came out as a whole.


	13. sunrise

Frankie sat at Graces hospital bed and stroked Graces arm carefully and what seemed to everyone else endlessly. With a hint of bitterness in her smile, „well, she finally got her wish. My feelings for her are all over room, i'm touching her and she doesn't feel anything.“, said Frankie to noone directly. „Maybe I should stop. Maybe I should have stopped sooner.“ Frankie stood up. „Maybe when-“ „Maybe when?“ „Grace had enough oppourtunites to go away. This is in no way your fault, mom.“ „Be angry at her, when she's awake.“ Frankie looked at Coyote empathetically. „She deserves it then.“ Frankie shot an angry look at Grace. Frankie looked at her family again. „Will you please stay here, tune me in, when something's happening. But right now I can't be with her in one room, I'll have to go outside. Hugging a tree right now is way more convenient.“ Without neither looking at Grace or her family, Frankie went out of the room. She had hoped the keep the tears longer inside, but in the moment she was outside the room, she began to cry again. So much she had to sit down, her face buried in her hands.   
„I know mom is one of the most forgiving people I know, but how Grace can mend this, I don't know. This really crashed moms spirits.“ Coyote shaked his head disapprovingly in Graces direction. „Do you think it was-“ „No!“ Mallorys head jerked into Coyotes direction. „I think, the only one who can answer this, cannot say anything right now. Maybe she even doesn't know it by herself.“ Robert watched Grace sleeping. „But yes, I think she is on a destructive way.“ Robert looked at his daughter again. „For years.“ Everyone was watching Grace now. When her family finally went home and it got dark outside, Frankie found it safe enough to go back to Grace. She had to. She had to take her hand. Had to caress her again. The beeps didn't convince her, that Grace was alive. But the warmth of her hand did it. „Why are you still here?“ Grace hearse voice startled Frankie, she pulled her hand away. „Don't-“ Although a part of Frankie refused to let her soften by the vulnerability of the plea, she gladly began to caress her again. She wanted the small connection, which survived this hellday to stay alive. She was right now the only who could bear this quest. „I'm drawn to you. Again and again. It never stops. Not on a new morning, not in the last hour of the evening. Although-“ Frankie hadn't to finish the sentence, Grace knew it already, what Frankie meant. „You know, that it was not meant as suicidal. Right?“ Frankie stopped for a moment. „Yeah, but it didn't made it less terrifying.“ „And-“ „And it isn't less suicidal just slower.“ Frankie started to pet her again. Grace began to cry silently. Because of the truth about her destructive behaviour, because she didn't deserve Frankie, because she was so thankful, for Frankie being there, touching her, for Frankie. Frankies assuring quick tighter squeeze made it ever worse and let Grace sob out loud. 

The next morning Grace woke up feeling a little bit better between this self induced misery. She had to remake something big. Frankie fell asleep on her arm. She had to smile at her. The face almost not visible because of the hair. Grace managed to wriggle out her hand without waking Frankie up. She stroked her hair. It made her teary eyed, seeing Frankie still there. When the nurse came in, Grace pulled her hand away and slipped it underneath the blanket, which woke Frankie up. „Oh you're awake! How to you feel?“ „Better.“ The nurse opened the curtains. „Ehm, I really know, that I did something very dangerous. I'll have to do something. Against doing it again. Do you have by chance any flyers about a rehab programme?“ It took Grace quite an effort to say this. And she hoped terribly, that Frankie was awake enough to hear, what she just said.“ A bit surprised the nurse answered smilkingly with a „Yes, of course!“ Frankie waited until the nurse was outside again. „You know, it doesn't work, when you only do it for me. And I think these issuses are far older than our history.“ „Yes, I know that.“ „So what are the next moves?“ They looked at each other. Mirroring their expressions. „I don't know.“ „When you know it, you can come home.“ Frankie stood up. „But you'll have to know that I don't have the amount of warning shots like I used to have anymore. And-“ Pause. „And I do not love you til the suicidal end.“ After Frankie went out, Grace rubbed her face. Then she turned into the fetal position and pulled the cover well over her shoulders. It will be a lot colder in the upcoming times. 

Frankie came home and went straight into the studio. She needed to paint. Without applying some outlines, she started right off. Almost scratching the colour with a black crayon into the paper. It didn't take long to finish the five bottles in the front, their profile edgy. The next step needed quite some overcoming. And she knew, once she was finished, there would be so much tears. And that she never ever wanted to see that portrait again, she didn't want anybody to see it. However she had to do this. With some hesitation she began to portrait Grace behind the bottles. With the same warmth, softness and love she had for the real Grace. Sadly with the same vodka induced blurry too. After almost three hours later she dipped the brush into the watercolour paint for the last time. It was over. Deep down she knew it was one of her best paintings she ever made, maybe not technically but in express of emotion, it hurt her definitively the most. Tears already started to blurry her vision. She took it from the easel and laid it on top of the cabinet. It could dry there until she could hide it behind the couch underneath a blanket. The moment she sat down on the couch she began to cry. Ugly, loud and wet, because it hurt her on her whole body. This fucking vodka was a death penalty to both. 

Grace knew, that Brianna would have gone to the Antartica if she had wished for, but Mallory wasn't as easy. „Do you really think it's the right idea to let you stay alone with her? I mean, obviously she had something to do-“ Her voice got angrier. „To do with this!“ Stopping from packing the suitcase, Grace turned to her daughters. It wasn't easy looking them into the face, being sober, but if she really wants to get this done, she had to start right here. „You know, that I didn't start drinking because of Frankie.“ But the changing and over the last four years growing feelings for her did fuel it, she thought to herself. Mallory acknowledged it with an angry murmur. „You have every reason being angry with me, but absolutely no reason for Frankie. So save it for me. I don't want all of you there, because -“ Because I might say some things, I don't want to you to hear yet, because I might display myself in an emotional way I only would Frankie allow to see, because being sober strips me completely of anything I could hide under or numb down. „Because your family and not Frankie. Simple as that.“ It came out sternlier than intended. „Sorry.“ It was barely audible, but this was the softest and the most vunerable way she could manage right now being seen or heard. „You know, this will get ugly. Snot and vomit ugly.“ The way Brianna said this, Grace knew, that Brianna already had more knowledge about the whole situation, than her daughter admitted. Grace shrugged her shoulders. „Let's go.“ The anger in Mallorys voice was still there. She went out of the room without saying goodbye. Brianna looked at the door then to her mother. „Frankie will be there.“ Grace smiled a little bit and they hugged for a short moment, without feeling too weird. It gave her hope, besides Frankie, because the future will always center and begin with Frankie, that this mess would be managable in way she could handle.


	14. Moving on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we're getting closer... ^^

The anixety was buzzing at her finger tips and she hated it. How the adrenaline shot through her arms from time to time, gathering at the finger tips. Like touching one of the lightening lamps Frankie brought home, after visiting a space museum. She really liked the space phase of Frankie. It was less touchy, a little bit more distant and more fact oriented. When it came down to why it looks like the moon has the same size as the sun. Of course their days had to start with reading their horoscopes out loud. In these moments Grace couldn't stop looking at Frankie with amazement. Frankie could always find some advice or idea to turn the horoscope fantasy into real life. And on two or three days Grace almost longed for the horoscope turning into real life and they would in fact kiss. But Frankie had had Jacob. And Grace had- had her vodka afterwards. „This makes 13 straight.“ Her Taxi driver was about to give her a little nudge, what made Grace flinch. „Oh, yes, sorry, I'm still not very well.“ „Must have been some days at the hospital. Hope it helped.“ Right now, she thought it did. It took her almost five minutes before she could go into her own house. 

With a tight schedule at Vybrant Grace managed to keep the amount of alcohol to a minimum. On some nights, were the fight not to drink was quite hard, she thought about going to rehab ernestly. But they would have picked her apart there. Which was sometimes more frightening than the tought of not being able to drink anymore. She had to cover up something unknown to her. And the truth was, either she will come out sober or she'll end dying from alcohol. Admittedly the days were less sparkly, fun. Most of the times both just functioned through the days. But they were in the grey area of their lifes, wasn't it expected just to stay alive, not more, not less? Then again, there was no need to flee for this way of life. They wanted more from life, maybe from each other. Grace sighed and turned around to turn on the light. Two o'clock. Frankie might be in bed already. Or still snoring to the sound of an commercial for erotic phone lines. Or wishing for once, that she was still up and they played a game of telephone. She began to type: "Hey cranky, still up?" "Yes, grumpy." "Can't sleep." "Me too, still waiting for your good night kiss." Grace was wide awake. Frankie made it sound like she gave her a good night kiss every day, when she just had done this three or four times and she could have sworn, Frankie was already asleep, almost snoring. "Seriously why did you stop?" Frankie had hit the bull's-eye again. She might be almost deaf, forgetting many things, but things related to emotions were still her area of expertise. "It didn't feel right anymore" Grace sent a question mark after a short pause. "?" "Why doesn't it feel right anymore?" Frankie was curious, if Grace had the courage to say something, to say something more detailed about her feelings. Grace was changing, the way she behaved around her, it was different. "I don't know. I don't know, if I like it, that I am not doing it." Shit, Frankie had already read it. "You could always try it again..." "Thank you, but not tonight, okay?" "Okay, but would you at least read something to me?" "The next chapter of "Becoming"?" Frankie was smiling, pleased with the offer.

Today was one of the days, who just couldn't get any better. Everything seemed so light and easy. Grace was already smiling, when she came into the kitchen. "Ready for Home Depot?" "Always, Major Hanson." Frankie saluted with a huge grin. "Don't forget to buy the frames for your wedding picture project. And we have get our dresses from the wash house, I'm in my seventies, I'm not in the mood anymore to stand for hours, just to iron a dress. I've got better things to do." "Good for you. And in your eighties you finally give it up altogether and forget the ironing completely, saves time, money and energy." Grace began to laugh. "Oh God no, I'm wrinkly enough, I don't want the dress being as wrinkly as I am." An half hour later, they stood in the garden department. “The way some of these orchids look, they could be aliens and we wouldn't notice getting observed from outer space.” “Quit muldering around, I want to get a pair of tree seedlings.” “That is so you, Scully.” Frankie made a pout. “They could abduct me in the middle of the desert and your only explanation would be a mishap after a lsd trip.” Mastering the best annoyed Scully stare Grace could think of, she replied: “Giving your history of getting lost in the desert and losing your phone, it's save to bet you don't need aliens to getting saved by me. Come on now, if we ever leave the beach house again, I want something of us still there, not so easy removeable, I want to make it known, this is our place.” She looked like she still wanted to grab the children by the scruff of their necks. “Did you know, that you can dig out a tree, turn it upside down, plant it and it goes on growing? Trees can be scary.” “Coming from you who always wants me to hug a tree, because it releases anti stress hormones?” Looking at Graces amused face, Frankie shrugged. “Did you really watch all the seasons?” “And the movies. Canonically yes, but fanon like it ended after season 8 for me. I mean who could not watch Scully being badass amongst all the assholes and giving a shit. Do you know how many girls got into STEM because of her? I loved the theorizing about the inexplicable things between heaven and earth.” “Didn't Brianna watch it too?” “Oh yes and we had huge fights about should they shouldn't they kiss. She was a strong fighter for the no romance part of the fandom.” Grace studied some of the seedlings, smiling. “I liked what Scully said about relationships. That the best relationships, the ones that last, are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship.” She looked up, questioning, if this meant something, if this was a hint. If she wanted it to be a hint. But it seemed it was just a statement. Which made Graces stomach twitch for a moment. 

The wedding from one of Robert and Sols colleagues was as boring Frankie expected it to be. “Hey, let's sneak out a little bit, they're taking the family pictures right now, it will take some time to get all the children into one frame.” “Wait, just let me finish this Strawberry Miami Squash, the cocktails are the most entertaining here.” “Little Ms. Tipsy tonight, hm?” They went into the park behind the hotel. Grace began to chuckle, when Frankie took one of the frames from the sculpture. “What's next?” “Taking pictures, duh!” “From whom? Us?” “We're at the wedding, we're already getting mistaken for couple, so why not playing a couple for funsies?” Grace made an eyeroll. “You can eyeroll all you want. But I gladly have to inform you, that I finally know how to use the one filter with the hearts. So either you play along or I photoshop you playing along.” “If you had this in mind all day long you could have at least let me drink two more martinis.” “Nope, less martinis more fun for me.” “Ok, one picture. Just let me check my lipstick.” Before Grace could put the lipstick on, Frankie grabbed it from her and painted a heart on Graces cheek. “Frankie!” “Want to draw one on my cheek?” Frankie gave Grace a wink. Grace let out a sigh. “If this is how we spend the wedding without getting bored to death, well, who gives a fuzzy rats ass...” After both had hearts all over their cheeks, they took the frame, made silly faces and Grace took one picture after another. Some more blurred than others, but it was fun. They heard Sol in the distant, searching for them.”I think, it's time for line dance.” “Oh god, no, I always thought this colleague was the one with cheesy 80ies ballads.” “Either way, I don't have an excuse like you do with your knees. It's a litte bit too late for an emergency op on one of my knees, don't you think?” Taking Frankies elbow, turning her towards the hotel to get a better light, she chuckled. “Frankie, you had enough cocktails to make this the right time and place for one of your chicken dance routines. I'll toast to you from the safe distance of the cocktail bar with one of my appreciated martinis. Come on, let's go inside, it's getting cold anyways.” With trained moves she removed the marks with a baby wipe. “And please don't post them on facebook.”

Frankie really did fresh up the dance floor. Especially Don seemed to get Frankies vibes very well. So much, that they danced really close when “Wonderful life” by Black came up. It turned Graces stomach into a knot. The longer she watched the more she wanted to be the one who danced with Frankie. The who danced with her, like the other couples did. Like Robert and Sol. “She's a flirt, huh.” The bartender looked at Frankie in amazment. “I wish, I would be the one she's dancing with.” “Then do it, who cares.” Grace turned to him. “Because- Because I care.” In the next moment, her world turned upside down, left turned into right and she finally realised it. “Because I'm in love with her...” She emptied the martini in one big gulp and went to the cloakroom. Thankfully next to the hotel were cabs waiting. She went into the next best one and gave the driver her address with a throaty voice. The moment the car started to move, she began to cry. She couldn't stop the tears, the sobs, she couldn't stop realizing she was in love with Frankie, she couldn't stop thinking how much she wanted to be the one there dancing with here, thinking the music only plays for them, they're the only ones on the dancefloor. Maybe getting a kiss on the forehead, maybe a even more tender one on the lips. She couldn't stop the jealousy, she couldn't stop the longing. She was in love with Frankie, it was the most beautiful feeling in the world and it tore her heart out again and again.


	15. Like porpoises do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDHDmuFCEYw  
> Blessing in disguise - like porpoises
> 
> I generally post songs which fit the chapter, but "Like porpoises" is almost like a summary of this fanfic. 
> 
> Had this chapter almost completed. Nixed it by accident, almost a mental breakdown, because it was so well written...  
> This is the second-best version. The best version is lost somewhere in the shallows of the internet...

Grace came home and felt like she was thrown around by a whirlwind. From sky-high cheering to sick at heart within seconds, back and forth. How could she fell in love with Frankie? Her enemy. Her friend, her best friend. How could she, Grace Hanson, fall in love with a woman? So many questions, with too many answers. It was too much, at least for now. She made herself another martini and went up to her room. This house was empty, the bed cold. Frankie. Frankie, Frankie, Frankie. The name suddenly sweeter than anything else. Her hair, her eyes, her cheekbones, her voice, her smile, she could have named so much more. She never felt like this before, it was such a unknown force, it made her afraid. For the moment, she couldn't decide if she should laugh or cry, so she did both, until she fell asleep. Two hours later Frankie came home, fuming, running up the staris, as fast as she could after too many drinks, too many dances, too many worrying glances at the phone, to the bar. Opening the door to Graces room with such force, the door knob left a mark on the wall. Not caring, if Grace was here, in whatever state or in a bar, Frankie began to scream out her anger: " You fucking asshole, leaving me behind like a goddamn umbrella. Six calls until I found a female driver, plenty unanswered texts and calls, uncounted thoughts about you-" "Could you please stop screaming, I'm not deaf and I'm getting a headache." More acurately heartache. "But I am!" "I am somehow missing the link between getting deaf and a female uber driver. You had to organize an uber driver by yourself for once, get over it." "I am not getting over it, I'm getting older, I forget stuff, I'm getting deaf. I'm so sick of your constantly flipping me off with your behaviour, with your words. I had never done so many chores like over the last months. I did the paperwork to get this darned house back, because you were too tired, too drunk, god knows what else." Frankie looked suddenly very frail. She sat down, next to Grace, not withdrawing from eyeing Grace up. "You promised me so much and yet you're constantly breaking the simplest promise you made, not hurting me again. I did not sign up for this, Grace. I had enough, I'm tired too." Trying desperately not to cry, Grace looked away until the silence became unbearable for her. She stood up and took one of her suticases. "That's it, I'm going to rehab."

A week later, Grace listened to another patient in the living room of the small rehab facility, playing the same song again and again and singing to it. She couldn't stop crying. When he finally picked her mood up, he stopped. "Why did you stop?" "You can't stop crying, I'm goint to my room." "For someone who doesn't like it, I cry a lot. Frankie says, I can cry over a good steak." "Don't you like showing emotions or having them?" "Both, especially if you don't have vodka to manage them. The song, did you write it?" "Sadly no, it's cover version. Why did you start crying?" "It reminds me of someone." "Frankie?" Grace looking down, blushing and let out another sob. "Yes." "You talk a lot about her, is she your girlfriend?" Still looking to the floor, her answer couldn't almost be heard. "No, we're just friends." "Does she know?" "No." Her voice got firm again. She looked up. "And I will not tell her." "But the way you talk about her, she sounds like she is an amazing friend. I'm sure, she would understand." "But I don't understand it. And I don't want to destroy our friendship." "But not telling her could also destroy the friendship." Almost angry, Grace stood up. "I could be glad, if she still talks to me after the many times I hurt her. That would be more, than I deserve."

Thirty minutes until Frankie called. Twenty-nine. Another two minutes gone. Twenty-five. Grace was almost paralyzed, because she didn't want to do anything just to miss the daily call from Frankie. "Hey, my favourite Kevin, how are ya?" Her voice alone was enough for Grace to start crying again. "Not good. A guy played a song, which reminded me so much of us, I couldn't stop crying. I miss you so much, I hugged a tree today." Grace admitting this, made Frankie teary-eyed. "How's the fighting?" " The mornings are okay, but the longer the day, the harder it gets. There is a small café in one of the buildings here, went around the block three times, because the craving after the Irish coffe was so strong." "And?" "I didn't go in." "What made you stop?" "You. But I didn't eat for the rest of the day." "Be careful Grace, don't trade one addiction for another. Talk to them about your disordered eating, about the pills. They're here to help, don't make harder as it already is. Don't make a competition out of it nor a punishment." Silence. The knowledge of Frankie waiting on the other end of the line for her, made Grace calmer. "Frankie?" "Still here." "Have you ever thought about giving me a good night kiss?" "Ask me, when I don't think about it." Suddenly Grace was made out of butterflies. "Would you read to me?" She wanted fall asleep to this soothing sound, she wanted to hear the voice in her dreams, she wanted to have a memory when she would wake up next day alone. "Grace?" "Hm?" "The spices aren't color-coded anymore and I hate that." To Grace this was the sincerest declaration of love she ever got.


	16. Wiedersehensfreude

Faith was lying on the knitted blanket, asleep for almost two hours now. Frankie sat next to her, watching her adoringly. "Oh Faith, I could watch you for the rest of the evening, but my joints hurt, I'll have to do something. Daddy comes back in an hour, everything has to look Grace level spotless. But start cleaning now." She stood up, a fast glance at the wall of her studio. They had a sun painted with their palms in bright yellow shades. When the doorbell rang, Frankie had finished most of the cleaning. Grace would be proud of her. Thankfully she could babysit Faith today, because the longer Grace was away the more boring the days got. She just didn't know what to do all day long. Painting usually lasted up to five hours, but then her hands began to hurt and her concentration began to disappear. Vybrant was run by Viola and Chrissy at the moment and they ran it smoothly. "Thanks Mum, I didn't know how much we needed a date until today." Frankie stayed silent, although there still plenty to say. "Anything happend?" "No just the usual what babies do. And wall painting." "Oh my god, Grace will be furious." "We will see, send her a picture later." 

Her phone rang. Grace. Grace! "Oh, I'm so sorry, Bud was just here, coming for Faith." "Faith was here?" "Yes, send you a picture, we made a sun with our hands, she was so cute, chortling, playing with the paint." "Then you have every right not to call on time. I'm so happy for you, what made him surrender?" Two days after Grace went into rehab, she had called Bud to talk about Faith. They had nearly spoken about Faith, but Frankie knew one thing for sure. Either Grace or Faith were not there, but not being able to see both made her life too empty and sad. She had tried think about this from a more conservative point of view. Maybe getting hearing aids would help, so she got this done. Discovering how many parts of the songs she had missed, made her almost angry at herself. Another point was the weed. The whole week before Faith came to visit, she didn't smoke. Frankly she would have done a lot more to see Faith again. When she finally held Faith again, she couldn't stop weeping. "Hearing aids, no weed, staying at home." "Oh, and of course you had to paint on the wall. You know, you'll have to teach her which walls are ok to paint on. Did you allready bedazzle the hearing aids?" "Don't need to, my ears are ornamental enough." "Did some painting too today. Tried to paint in your style, ending up look like a robot tried to paint. Which comes close." "You have to paint in your own style, Grace. How many times do I have to tell you this." "Yeah, I know, but I never liked painting, hated the art lessons in school." "Maybe you had the wrong teacher." "Noo. She was cute. Could have been friends with you, shimmy clothes in various green shades. Always smiling, encouraging. Red hair, crystal necklaces. A little bit like an off-key witch. Never seen her with a man." "Why did you bring that up?" "What, her being single? Because she was the only unmarried teacher." "Maybe because she was a lesbian." "No, they wouldn't have hired her, this would have been too much. She was already a bit too much. And there was never a hint, that she was gay." "She could have hid that, people do that to survive." "I know. God, now I can't stop thinking about that possibility. Well, keeps me busy. Oh and the color of her lipstick! Let me tell, I tried to remake that color with Say Graces line, but I never got close to. Never dared to ask her which brand it was." "Why not?" "This would have been to nosy, like asking her about her sexuality. She was, albeit a very unusual one, still a teacher. Are you dating again? You're still on hippie-round-up.com." "I am?" "Yes, your profile picture is one from our vacation. But I think it would better fit a lesbian farmer dating site. I like it though, I installed it as my phone background picture." "You did, that's cute." Grace got red cheeks. "I'm surprised, that you didn't already know this." "Frankie again?" Jamie, one of the patients joined her on the balcony. Suddenly she had to think how she reveald too much to everyone, mainly Frankie. "Grace, do you wanna date a hippie or what brings you to my profile." This was the closest I could get to the real you, she thought. "Um, next weekend would be the first, where I could stay at home, but I'd rather stay here. It would be nice, if you come to visit me." "I could bring a ladder and climb up to your window now in the dark." Frankie tried to cheer her up and knew in the same moment, that she failed. 

Right now she could have smoked a whole pack of cigarettes, suddenly she understood the other patients very well, the constant smoking. Frankie was due to visit in a half hour and nerves where all over the place. They had agreed, that it would be wiser, to set a countdown for Frankie, to avoid coming too late. Grace had already taken a walk around the block, which was absolutely not calming, because everytime she heard the sound of a car, she had to look up. Looking again at her phone, time seemed to have gone onto vacation and was on a standstill. Still more than ten minutes to wait. All of a sudden she could smell pot. Okay, Jamie was going out for his usual walk. "Hey... earth to moon..." She looked up. Frankie, her Frankie!!! The next five minutes were spent with hugging, and fighting the urge to kiss Frankie on the lips. Grace opted for a more subtle kiss on the forehead. The urge to walk hand in hand into the building was equally strong. When Jamie later asked, if they were really "just" friends, she got a weird validation from it. Everytime Frankies body was coming close to hers, she got this buzzing feeling and she wished it would have never stopped. But three hours later, after a long walk without much talking, Frankie had to go. And left Grace behind with this storm tide of sadness and emptiness. Jamies comment, that they looked like they had to retain themselves really hard to keep the hands off each other, made it only worse. "If she is really just your friend, you have to accept this one day and move on. Not stopping yourself now makes it only worse." Instead of answering Jamie Grace went into her room. She wanted to stop being in love with Frankie, when it became it unbearable not when she still was intoxicated from it. The day would come soon enough, where she had to rip her own heart out, because Frankie was still not in love with her.


	17. Ongoing battle

The first days at home were relatively easy for Grace. Making phone calls for Vybrant, putting the packages together, cooking, cleaning, exercising. Playing chess with Frankie, who beat her once, because she thought too much about booze. But then came the day, were they had to go grocery shopping. Looking outside, the weather couldn't be more fitting, cold, foggy, simply unpleasant. Grace woke up even earlier than usual. Filled with anxiety , knowing that even nothing would happen today, the anxiety wouldn't go away. Unless she would drank it away. She took a fast glance at the pillboxes. Easing herself into the battle. Fighting fire with fire. Or let everything destroy itself. Grace stood up, not even taking the prescribed medication, wandering through her room. 

„I finally found my grocery shopping list.“ Frankie came into the kitchen, waving the paper proudly. „Ok, let's go.“ Immediately sensing something was wrong, after hearing the flat tone of Graces Voice. „Are you alright? I could do the grocery shopping alone again. Although I miss our discussions if I am allowed to eat fair trade organically grown chocolate or not.“ She walked towards Grace, which was fumbling furiously at a sticky spot by the dishwasher. „It might be easier, if you had eaten something.“ The answer was a bitter chuckle. Although Frankie approached her very careful to stop her from fumbling, the moment Grace saw Frankies hand hovering about hers, she pulled it away very fast. Despite that Frankie still could see how much Grace was fighting. Against the tears, the wall to be build up and the same moment being torn down, the need to be held, her angst, her mind. Against almost anything of herself. The moment Frankie had tears in her eyes, Grace turned to ice again and her face was blank, standing straight like a soldier. „It's heart-wrenching, watching you fighting, Grace. I know, it wont be heard right now, the way I want it to be heard, not yet maybe. Yes, there is a huge possibilty that you'll have to sneak out during shopping to take some sips of vodka. Buying vodka. Trembling. Sweating. Standing in front of the bottles, paralyzed. Buying them, emptying them into the toilet and buying them later again. Finally drinking them. But you can't battle almost life long addictions within some weeks. It takes a huge amount of work to rewire your brain, to overcome emotions, memories tied to it. It takes courage and persistence. To admit needing help, to admit failing. And it fucking hurts. But I see everything you need in you to fight it. I see the steps you take.“ Frankie was speaking to Graces back. „Can we please go now?“ 

After almost five minutes of skipping playlist after playlist, Frankie gave up on it and turned the sound off. The music to calm Grace down was not something Frankie had on one of her playlists and she scolded herself for it. Graces relentlessly tapping fingertips were not helping either. They drove in silence to the mall, Frankie this time very focused on the road. She just could imagine how excruciating this morning must have been for Grace. It was her second week completely without any drinks. Over the last weeks, phasing down the amount of alcohol, Grace was on good days a total sweetheart, when the fight got too hard, she was distant again, being silent, lashing out with some cutting remarks in between, when it became too unbearable to be emotional. But Frankie had no intention to leave her for this. But she would leave the moment, she got the feeling, Grace didn't care anymore to get sober and let her slide back into it. Yet it still amazed it her tremendously how much Grace allowed her to see. The nervousness, her insecurity, her vulnerability, how bare it was shown. It frightend her too, particularly, when she saw how recklessly Grace sometimes wanted to hurt herself, to punish herself. 

"Ready?" "No." Still in the car, Frankie watched the people coming and going out of the supermarket. "Did you take your anxiety meds?" "No." Frankie let out an irritated sigh. "Why not?" "Because I didn't." Part of her wanted to lash out, to slap some sense into Grace, but Frankie sighed again, looked at list, at the entrance. "I get a trolley, which takes about five minutes. Maybe these extra minutes will help you to calm down. If not, you don't have to go in there. Or we drive home and order the things online." Grace still looked into the other direction. "It's okay to cry." It was Frankies way to provoke her. "Why did you have to said." Grace turned around, visibly angry. "Because it's the truth and you were about to cry. Listen, I know it's hard, trust me, I didn't forget Coyotes withdrawal. But not taking your meds was a stupid thing to do." Looking away again, Grace said sorry silently. "I get the trolley." Grace opened the door and went to the trolleys. Usually Frankie was like child, can we have this, we absofuckinglutely need that, but she was very focused on finishing the shopping. So focused, that she missed the moment, when Grace went away to go to the aisle with the alcohol. "Oh fuck. Shit." Frankie turned around and began to search for Grace. Scolding herself, she hoped, that Grace could fight the craving. She found Grace, standing in front of the vodka, trembling. "Grace?" "I can't." "It's okay." "I'm so sorry." She fell into Frankies arms and began to cry. "Maybe you wanna talk with Coyote?"


	18. Giving up dependency

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the last dark chapter

"Low vibrator battery?" Brianna looked at Graces bandaged wrist. "Do you always great people with sexual innuendos?" "Only if they have a history of doing the implied things... So?" "No, not this time. But Frankie already offered to help out." When Frankie made the offer, casually as usual, Grace thought for a moment how it would be to say yes. If Frankie would really follow through, something she doubted. And as usual she didn't have the courage to think longer than second about these whole topic. Grace was suddenly very busy again cleaning the fridge. Amused by the behaviour of her mother, Brianna watched her blushing like a teenager. "Did Frankie offer a very certain sexual practice?" "Stop it!" Grace let the brush drop. "Stop it, it's not funny." Almost bursting into tears. Taken aback, Brianna took her hand. "I'm sorry, ok?" "She always makes jokes about this and I can't tell you how much I want it to be the truth, how much I want her. It kills me." Briannas eyes got big. "Are you telling me, that you're in love with her? Is that, why I should come?" "Oh shit, I didn't mean to tell you-", looking very distressed, Grace could no longer hold back the tears. "Please, don't tell her, don't tell anyone." "I'm really sorry, Mom. I didn't meant to." "I know." "How long?" "I think, it changed the day we were at that frozen joghurt place. It got more and more until I could no longer deny it. I never felt like this before. I don't know how to stop it." Standing helplessly next to her mother, she didn't know what to say. This has taken her completely by surprise. If one of the two would fall in love with a woman, she always thought it would be Frankie. Frankie, the hippie. Not her mother, the catholic, the almost republican. "Ok, what did you want me to do?" The moment they had stowed the boxes with old clothes into the car, Grace told Brianna to go. She then went up to her room, took the hidden bottle out of her wardrobe to take a huge gulp. Not stopping after one. 

A few days later they were at a party, Grace had felt safe enough to let go of her and started talking alone to other attendees. She got carried away and drank some heavy cocktails without considering that she started to throw up faster now than she used to. Frankie began to think about going home slowly, but this party was huge, so she took out her phone to call her. Grace was at the other end of the floor, the sound of laughs, chatter and the clinking glasses wavering around somehow dull. Although her phone lit up in front of her, vibrating and humming, she couldn't take it. I drank too much, I drank too much. Panic rose up in her, she knew, if she would try to pick up the phone, she would grossly humiliate herself, too drunk for a decent eye-hand-coordination. Without really paying attention to the feet she might step on, Frankie was paving her way through guests, already saying Grace more to the general crowd as to the phone. Every second who past, made Frankie more certain, that something was wrong indeed and Grace felt more nauseous. „Grace?“ The guys around finally noticed, that Grace hadn't made a comment for quite some time now. „Everything allright?“ „Backpain, terribly backpain.“ She managed to mumble it, without too much slurring or letting the bile up into her mouth. „Do you want us to do something?“ Pick up that damn phone and get me the hell out of here. Get me to Frankie. „Could you guide me to the rest rooms, please?“ One too eager guy, who was flirting hopelessly with her the whole evening, took her elbow and moved her too fast. The next moment she threw up on his jacket. A pounding headache and tears of embarassment broke lose. 

The party noise got noticebly silent and the attention shifted toward two men who were Grace guiding out of the room. „Grace!“ The smell told her enough. Frankie threw her hand s up in despair. „Fuck, fuck, fuck!“ The flirty guy emerged in front of Frankie, pointing angrily at Grace. „Do you know her?“ It was rather a bark. „Yes, I'm sorry for your jacket. Give me your Email so I can pay for the laundry.“ „Phew, take this drunken bitch out my face, no wonder no one wants to fuck her.“ „Piss off, asshole. At least you smell now like the stinky person you are!“ Frankie slapped his hand away and took over Grace. They somehow managed to limp to the rest rooms. Grace had to puke again and some of it landed if front of the toilet and her dress. Frankie held Graces forehead and her necklace patiently until everything was out. Unsteadily panting, Grace sat down on the floor, tears and snot running and looked at Frankie, who was besides her, arms crossed, leaning on the wall. „Thank you.“ Despite still intoxicated, Grace looked at her with a sincere gratitude and love that she had not often seen before, sure not in such pure form. „Come on, let's get out of this mess.“ She helped up Grace, which made Grace sob. „I'm so sorry. I thought, I could handle this. If you take me to a hotel, I would be very grateful!“ „Why?“ „Because of this!“ Grace pointed at the puke. „Because of me!“ It was nearly swallowed by the anger, another sob. Frankie took Graces shoulders. „In sickness and health, Grace. In sickness and health.“ It was a statement, as sincere and steady as Frankie stood in front of her. 

A couple of hours later, Grace woke up. Everything seemed to reek foul, her breath, her clothes, the sleeping room, the bathroom. From time to time another wave of nausea hit her. The dress from the party was still on the bath room floor. Frankie did wipe off the puke indeed, but the stain was still visible. And it stank terribly. Grace picked it up and went downstairs. Frankie looked quite surprised, when Grace pushed the gown into the trash can and took it outside. „I know, I said, it looked too much like Nancy Reagan, but why throw it away? We could have cut it up, to make something new out of it.“ „Because, I never ever want to see this again. In fact, I don't want you to see me like this ever again, too!“ „Grace...“ „Don't Grace me.“ „I don't take it back.“ „But we're not married, Frankie!“ „I don't understand-“ „You don't want to understand! I can't stand it when you are nothing but unconditional love, compassion, when you give me everything, too much of it and I can never give it back, when I am taking everything, exploiting you and leave you with the bones. I am The Vampire like you saw me, painted me.“ „Hold on, Grace. I am still here, because I want to and not because you want me to. And neither I am going, because you want me to. When I go, than because I want to and it is without comeback. Right now you're nearing the Stop sign.“ „Please, don't make me beg you to let go of me.“ „Grace, I can't!“ Her voice got loud. „Don't you think, I don't know how co-dependency works? I couldn't stop Coyote, I can't stop you! I'm too afraid to go, because I can't shake off the fear, that you'll die alone. If I stay, I can at least control some parts.“ „Oh, I survived 40 years with Robert, don't you overestimate your influence a little bit, if you think, I can't survive this?“ „We both know damn well, that you can't zombie through your life anymore.“ „Yeah, cheers to parties, puke and pain!“ Grace made a toast gesture and smiled sneeringly. She knew, Frankie came closer to the point of going. Tears already welled up in Frankies eyes. From being a thought of how to hurt Frankie enough to make Frankie finally go away from her, it turned into a yearning to turn the thought into reality to make her finally go away from Frankie, to let Frankie go. To stop this mess from coming around on repeat. Either she said everything or she did lose Frankie forever. "I need a drink."

Frankie raced into the studio and kicked the easel away. Whatever Grace wanted to do, it was no longer her problem. She grabbed her art travel set, put some clothes in her worn duffel bag and called Janey from the arts supply store. An hour later she went to Graces room. The only light came out of the bathroom. Despite the room being barely lit by the dimmed down light, Frankie could see how unstable Grace sat on the brim of the bathtub. “Why are you sitting here?” “Easier to clean.” “If you could just hear yourself how much of your speech is already slurred. Did they ever hear you like that at Say Grace?” With crossed arms, Frankie looked down to Grace, face stone cold. “Don't bother I don't want to know, it might be better for you to know. I'm going to Janey for three days. When I'm back, you are out. Whether dead or alive, I don't care. Blackmail with money, whatever, I don't care, but not with my emotions, Grace.”

The beeping got louder, until she really had to listen to it. This sound came not from her alarm clock nor from her phone. This was something else. This weren't also her own clothes. Not her bed. Not her home. She was- she was puking the next moment. The beep was now an ongoing sound, because she had ripped the sensors off her torso. She was in a fucking hospital again. "We need to clean her again, she had puked again. But less than the last time." The nurse in the corridor took another pair of single use gloves. "What happend?" "Too much alcohol." "Where is Frankie?" "Not here. Your daughter, Brianna, brought you." "When did she bring me?" "About two hours ago." "I had a bottle of wine. Not vodka. It was not vodka." "I believe you, I saw the stains. Your daughter said this also. You drank too much never the less, because your body isn't as accustomed to this amount as months ago. You could have killed yourself with the bottle, you know that." "Frankie won't come back. This must look like a suicide attempt to her." Everything got too much again. No wine to avoid this. No pills, no tears, no Frankie to help her through this. This was her. Just her.


	19. Are we?

All the years, she had a pool, the ocean, in front of her house and didn't go swimming. Just because she was too insecure about her body. But the second hospitalization because of her drinking problem shook her to the core. If she wanted her life back, a better life now, she had to do something different. Hence she tried swimming and was surprized, how much it calmed her down. Enough to able to think about the big things, without getting nervous instantly. Since she started out-patient therapy, she could love her own body more, she could love herself more. Simply because she realized that she was not just in love with Frankie, she was a lesbian too. All these years performing, hiding, drinking, not thinking... Grace swam already for an hour now, the last lap approaching. She wanted to look absolutely gorgeous for tonight, but hadn't decided yet, what she wanted to wear. Teenager again, bubbling with anticipation and giggling. She got out of the pool, the sun accentuating her figure. Frankie came down the stairs, inhaling sharply. Grace in a bikini, looking like goddess to her. Her whole nervous system suddenly had just one job, fueling her arousal. She had seen Grace naked before, but never this way. Three layers of freshly dyed fabrics could not hide her arousal. Completely forgetting, for what she came for, she had to hurry back and meet her moi. Still panting, Frankie began to smile. All that damn years, she joked about it. Grace in a bikini and bam, it turns out, Joanne tried to tell her this for years. 

"Frankie!!! Our uber-driver is waiting!" "My nail polish hasn't dried yet!" Grace was quite used to the butterflies now, but this information let them break loose. Did Frankie for her? No, this couldn't be. Maybe she lost a bet with Brianna. The driver was honking again. "Ready!" Grace took the keys and went to the car. Frankie came down in hurry. "Sorry." "This costs you extra." "I already counted that in." Thank god, it was dark enough at the back seats, to see anything, although nobody dared to look at each other despite being very content right now. When Frankie wanted to help her out of the car, Grace had to sit down again. Right now, Frankie was the most beautiful person in the world. Her hair braided, a new long ultraviolet gown with embroidery, she just couldn't take her eyes of Frankie.

They sat in a quiet corner of the italian restaurant. Too lost in their own thoughts, the waiter had to clear his throat, to get their attention. "Oh, sorry." "Gosh, I miss Babe..." Frankie sighed. One of Frankies mental leaps, she got so used to to the point she found them quite entertaining. Finally this broke the spell and they started talking. "Yeah, me too." "Do you think, she's rehearsing for her next life?" "Does she need rehearsing though? Maybe she plays cards with Janis Joplin." "Janis probably had some shots prepared for her arrival." "Would love to her opinion on some things. Won't like some of them though." "We could try to contact her via seance." "Summoning an angry spirit by accident, who haunts us for the next twelve years because he thinks he got scammed by one of my ancestors. Which is probably true." "Did you ever blog again?" "No. The last time I summoned Phil and we know this ended." Grace chose her words carefully. "You look like someone stole your heart recently though." "Won't say recently." Frankies became alert. "Do I know him?" "Her. See, that's why I want to talk to Babe. Although I might know already the answer." "Tell me, I'll message Babe later." "No, it's embarrassing enough." "Why should you be embarrassed about may or may not having feelings for a woman? " "Because it's-" Grace almost let it slip. "Because I analyze already every glance, every touch, her words, our interactions to get the answer for myself, if I should say something or not." "I'm sure, she wants to know, if only to verify her own feelings." Was Frankie talking about herself? Frankie turned her head slightly more to Grace. They're were already sitting were close, something Grace was suddenly very aware of. Too close to write it off as their usual non exitend personal space. Did she wait for a kiss? "This feels like date to me." Frankie said the words very carefully. "Do you want to date me, because-" This was the most courageous thing Grace had ever done. "Because I'm in love with you, Frankie." Frankie took Graces trembling hands and gave her a soft kiss on the lips.


	20. wholeheartedly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> epilogue

The steady breeze kept the heat on an acceptable high, birds were chirping, in conclusion it was a day which you could not stop smiling and would have loved to hug life forever. They sat on a park bench, the wheelchair placed next to them. Graces right leg in a cast, broken, because her bones had now the density of baiser, placed over Frankies knees. Frankie kept tracing lines with her fingers she painted on the cast, sometimes going higher up the leg, which let Grace shiver. She felt tremendous gratitude towards this graphite-haired woman, who still sat besides her, after this fucking years. Who she loved with such force, it had driven her finally out of her own made hell. Grace took Frankies hand and kissed it gently, mouthing thank you. Frankie looked up, brimming. With a slight difficulty she took down her leg and leaned in to kiss Frankie. Who would have thought, that they, these two women, looking like mismatched worn out socks, end up being with the only partner they wanted to, choose to, loved to. Sitting here in the park of their retirement home, the one they choose, kissing openly. Alone the thought of the move Grace had in her head, made her squeak. „Hey Mrs. Bergstein, could you close your eyes for a moment, your favorite Mrs. Bergstein wants you to show something.“ The sentence perplexed Frankie, but she couldn't pin down what, so she shrugged, happily awaiting. It took a little fiddle until Grace got the little box out, which was made out of a blue crystal. „I think, you will like this little surprise.“ 372 days, sober. A whole fucking year, with a week added, just to be absolutely fucking clear. A year, they needed to settle everything, to heal their wounds, to adjust, to grow. 

„Where did you find this?“ „Do you remember the salt mine we visited? The one with the sea?“ Frankies eyes got a fond glaze, placing her hand over her heart, she sighed: „This sea. It has a very special place in my heart, like we were floating through space and the same time being hugged by earth. I never thought five minutes of sitting on a boat couple of hundred meters underneath the surface, almost alone, because you managed to get me out of bed at four o' clock, just to be the first ones going on the ride... that it could be so romantic. We held hands all the time, you gave me a kiss, for a moment I thought, this would be our proposal.“ „Me too.“ „This is our little earth from now on.“ „Wait, open it.“ „They broke this little gem up?“ „Better, open. There is a whole world in there.“ Emotions already began to flood Grace. But this time she wanted to embrace them, to live them, not diminish them. The crystal box was difficult to open, so Grace took Frankies hands and opened the box with her. 

Looking at the box, looking at Grace, looking at the two silver rings, each of one had a single small blue crystal, taken from the box, inset, Frankie was moved to tears. And course, Grace too. „You-“ Another look at the rings. „You want to us to be married.“ Grace nodded, smiling. „Shall we put them on? Do you want to do it first?“ Frankie took Graces left hand. „We are really doing this? Wholeheartedly?“ „To have and to hold, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, Frankie.“ Their hands were shaky, sweaty, but Frankie slipped the ring onto Graces ring finger and vice versa. They closed their eyes, kissed, embracing then forehead on forehead. Embracing their future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you soo much for reading, for the kudos, for staying with me, although there are better fics out there (thank you for all the amazing fanfics you write).  
> I have never written so much, with a reasonably plot, although sometimes sadly slightly out of character, but never the less more than 20.000 words. I'm a fan of the x-files for more about 20 years now. But Grace and Frankie are characters, I became really fond of and mean very much to me. Being in this fandom is a very rewarding experience, thank you.


End file.
